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Critical Analysis #2
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Karo Syrup and Zamyatin
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Karo Syrup and Zamyatin |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
It’s not easy to sell the family homestead to entrust its plaster walls and handmade bricks hardwood floorboards full of peaceful memories polished by generations of liberal stockinged feet to strangers with a family history of linoleum stove pipe tin and sheet rock so thin boot camp pictures fall off the livingroom wall when bedroom grunts echo through republican halls. They moved in with bibles and fundamentalist values more kids than common sense - good party members with holes in their socks and bigger ones in heads that believed warispeace, ignorancestrength and freedomslavery Condomless (Jesus Loves Real Men) they bred their line down to dueling banjo white sent the kids to jesus camp, fed the feeble ones to the war machine and never wept as they mowed their new lawn - a field of lilies and trembling blood red poppies. [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (02-15-2007 07:46 PM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Jennifer, There are more than a few things to like about this piece. I especially liked the underlying cynicism enveloped by the rather dour humor. But, what do you expect from an admitted cynic--a Republican one at that, (sans the dueling banjos bloodline). I was quite drawn in by this and don't know if there's anything that I'd care to change about it. The last two lines especially, are outstanding and a great way to close. Sid |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Though I admit to enjoying this, I think you've caught the adjective disease. On the other side of the coin, I suppose I wouldn't mind a glimmer of hope that they are a bit stronger than Orwellian proles. I may be asking for two much, but something along those line might made this peace stand out a bit more. Still, it's a good piece, just wish/think it could be better. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks so much for taking time to read and comment, Sid and Brad. Though I haven't actually read Zamyatin yet, he’s still a few books away from the top of my list, perhaps that’s where I’ll find that glimmer of hope. Certainly didn’t find it 1984. Did you, Brad? Yep, the adjective disease - I struggle with it. Perhaps you might take just a moment, Brad, and show me which adjectives you think I could cut and still keep the character of the piece intact? Or do you feel that it would be best to attack the theme in a totally different way? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Adjectivitis is not necessarily a life-threatening affliction, especially if care is taken to avoid dank, musty and/or moldy surroundings. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.” |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hope in 1984? Perhaps, as I do, read the O'Brian monologues as dramatic irony, the hope is knowing that such a system cannot last. Sid is right of course. It's not any individual adjective that I find fault with, it's the adjective noun, adjective noun, adjective adjective noun sequence that grates my ear. There are some who seem to think the key to a descriptive poem is just to add as many adjectives, clauses, or phrases before the noun (as if they were writing in Korean or Japanese) and that somehow makes it better. I guess it's kind of like inversion. There are some who think that 'things magical' is more poetic than 'magical things' (as if they were writing in French or Spanish). As long as you are aware of the problem though, I'm not sure I can offer anything else. I know I have to be careful of it in my own writing. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks Brad, I think I get what you mean. For example, one set of contrasting elements in the opening, if well stated, would have been enough to make the point. The rest was cutesy filler that really added nothing. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Hey Brad that's a good thought. Thank you! Things magical not magical things..... .....SpeaksChristian - Christian Speaks. Maybe I should change my screen name  CS |
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