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Critical Analysis #2
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Roses
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Roses |
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fanatic-flyer Junior Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 26Bournemouth |
I touch thy rose and get bit by thy thorn I loved thy love But soon I was torn Your love so tender Like a deep red petal Amongst thy evil Harsh come nettles Thy deep centred heart Amongst all good You are protected Like all roses should. (sorry its not amazing, i wrote it in geography while i was bored) Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =) |
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| © Copyright 2007 N W - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Geography books can be very inspirational -- just wonder if you were so intent on avoiding that, that this is what came out. Why thy? |
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AustinFromNyc New Member
since 2007-02-22
Posts 6 |
If you add one more line it would be a Sonnet. I like that you didn't feel the need to make every line rythm. You're sentences are a bit short but length doesn't determine the worth of a piece. Keep up the work. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
"If you add one more line it would be a Sonnet." Huh? |
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MoonShadow Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943Dark side of the Moon. |
It is far from a sonnet that would require much more strict structure than adding a line or two, as well as required rhyme. I did like the work. However, I would have liked to see it done in past tense rather that present perfect. Also, I am not that fond of the use of 'Thy' unless it really seems appropriate and not over used. For example the first word of the second stanza reverts back to 'your' instead of 'Thy'. In the third line of the first stanza, "I loved your love" sounds a bit awkward to me. Although I understand the meaning, I would suggest using another word at in the place of one of the "Love" words that appears to convey the same thought. Overall a worthy creation... and in Geography class no less. No telling where the muse may find us, no doubt. The above are only my humble observations and recommendations, that, in no way are meant to imply superiority. Good luck and keep writing. MoonShadow . |
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fanatic-flyer Junior Member
since 2007-02-07
Posts 26Bournemouth |
Thank you for all your comments, I wrote thy because i thought it sounded old sort of rather than the and it made it feel more deep to me. I do understand what you saw about thy and then your. Thanks again  Thanks for everything, because everything makes the world happy =) |
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SilentLady New Member
since 2007-03-02
Posts 4California, USA |
I really liked your poem, I would only change a few things here and there... Sugestion "bite"- i think prickled would be better because a thorn can't bit, you know what i mean? I touch thy rose and got pricked by thy thorn . I love thy love But soon I was torn. thy love so tender as thy deep red petal Amongst thy sweetnes comes harsh needles Thy deep centered heart Amongst all good You are protected Like all roses should Maybe something like that, i'm not sure... but i really liked it =) |
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