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trebuchet
Junior Member

since 2007-01-12

Posts 30

0 posted 2007-01-12 10:23 PM

Just joined. Would like to see how this forum works -- so here's my little trial run...

Cello

When he woke the sheets were
cold with hard edges

a broken eggshell
and she’d run out

so he bought himself a cello
and adored it instead

another strange, distant instrument
someone else knew how to play.

I assassin down the avenue.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-13 08:16 PM

What's the contraction in the second line? This borders on nonsense (Don't worry, I usually like stuff like that.), but I think I can make something of it if I know whether it's had, would, could, or should.

trebuchet
Junior Member

since 2007-01-12

Posts 30

2 posted 2007-01-14 05:15 PM

Aaaah. I see. It's had. But I like "run out", hence me not just sticking with the tried and true "and she was gone". Thoughts?"

trebuchet
Junior Member

since 2007-01-12

Posts 30

3 posted 2007-01-14 05:17 PM

also, I'm toying with inserting "still" before cold in the second line, so as to emphasize the dissapointment in him at the sheets, "still cold with hard edges".

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

4 posted 2007-01-14 06:06 PM

Inserting "still", would imply the sheets have been cold for some time, possibly even while she was on them. If this is written from his perspective, he probably wouldn't realize that could be the case. I like it better as written. The subtle play on words within the final two lines sums it up well I feel.
I understood the contraction, since it is tied immediately to the next line which is past tense.

Sid

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

5 posted 2007-01-14 06:39 PM

Sweet

Great work. And this is the right place to put work like this. I think that you pair with the sharpness of cold sheets edges and the whiteness of eggshels.

As the for word still. That hapens to be one of my favorate words. If you need to put is some where You might conside it near the end.

another strange, still distant
instrument someone else now plays.

Great read
thanks
rick

epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

6 posted 2007-01-14 10:41 PM

Interesting read. I like it the way it is. Question: Why did she run out?

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

7 posted 2007-01-15 03:31 PM

I really like this as written- I understood the contraction to be 'had,' and I think it works. The style is very sparse and I think that might imply why she ran out- I get the feeling this guy is the one who is distant... he replaced a woman with a cello. He may be grieving or suffering from her running out, but- at least in this poem- he doesn't show it.

Sorry, I don't really have any critique or suggestions... I like it as is.

trebuchet
Junior Member

since 2007-01-12

Posts 30

8 posted 2007-01-15 08:26 PM

Thank you, all! I think some of you read it very close to as intended.

But while he replaced a woman with a cello, which could be construed as distant, I think it indicates more accurately that he is preoccupied with beautiful things -- coveting them, clinging to them, but somehow not understanding them.

She ran because she was more than an object from which lavished adoration creates the same or more, and he was too focused on the surface (the shell) to ever have a firm hold on what (the insides) eventually ran out (of the shell and from him).

I assassin down the avenue.

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