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Sundogs, sun dress
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sundogs, sun dress |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Something out of the ordinary for me. I was listening to the new Amos Lee record, I found this one in between the lines. Southern Belle ring for me with reverberations like sundogs on an Oklahoma day. Ringing resonations round a voice that sings in tones familiar to me now. What happens when the sun dress fades from the wear of use not letting the sun shine or the voice sing when I’ve ceased to know you? Will your face still iridize reminding me of my youth on my back looking at the sun which I saw as you when you sang to me? And a song that I was writing is left undone. I don't know why I spend time writing songs I can't believe With words that tear and strain to rhyme [This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (01-05-2007 12:54 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
An avalanche of alliteration anaesthetizes avid readers.  That last question deserves more time and space perhaps. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Understood. I'll stretch it a bit. Thanks CS |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Yo CS: I like this one more thatn most of yours. Dont take offence and I know that you will not. Just a few things (again you have more than likly looked at yourself). In the second stanza the repeat of "sun" does not seem to punch me enough. as well as "form the wear of use is akwaurd. Maybe changing "when the" to "to a". And then fixing the following line. I am somewhat confused by conection to the faded dress and not letting the sun shine or vioce sing? What stops theses events happeneing? mmmmm Maybe moving the "When I've" up to the second line? And whats wing the word "iridize" The meaning of this word eludes me, I even looked it up and still I am lost to what you want me to think. Hay as I said I like this one. I'look back the see what changes you make. Great read rick What happens to a sun dress? when I’ve ceased to know you? faded from the wear of use not letting the sun shine or the voice sing Will your face still iridize reminding me of my youth on my back looking at the sun which I saw as you when you sang to me? |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Agreeing with Brad here... also, I think the repetition of sun becomes a little tiresome, especially as it is a somewhat overused image, but I do like the idea of reverberating like a sundog... very interesting, because I associate reverberation with an auditory sensation, and you convert it to something visual. I think shaving down the alliteration and a little more exploration could turn this from an interesting/nice poem into a really good poem. Hope this helped. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Definition clarity: Iridize \Ir"i*dize\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Iridized; p. pr. & vb. n. Iridizing.] 1. To point or tip with iridium, as a gold pen. 2. To make iridescent; as, to iridize glass. I used the second defiinition. Iridize is the root word for iridecent. sun·dog (s?n'dôg', -d?g') Pronunciation Key n. A parhelion. A small halo or rainbow near the horizon just off the parhelic circle. This is a phenomenon seen primarily in the South where two shortened semi-circles for on each side of the sun. Cool thing let me tell you. As for revisions, they are coming. thanks for the comments CS |
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