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Zach Chanoski
New Member

since 2006-12-04

Posts 2

0 posted 2006-12-04 04:23 PM

Hi guys my names Zach and Im new to these forums. I have tons of poetry that I have been wanting to share and I think I found the right forums to share them in. Many of my poems are dark and somewhat anti establishment but I hope you all well grant me constructive criticism. The first poem I want to share with you is called the ultimate weapon

When I look real close
I dont brag or boast
Within the mirror its crystal clear
That the shadow that once engulfed me has vanished
The lust, envy, greed, and hypocricy have been managed
I stay humble amoung a world full of giants
Arriving with many tasteful temptations
Yet I remain defiant
Merely a pawn in this game called life
To become a bishop I use my mind, not a knife
Since knowledge is key in understanding myself
I utilize it to the fullest and hope others do to
Because without knowledge you'll never have a clue

I think my poems are too blantant wat do u guys think

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

1 posted 2006-12-04 08:59 PM

Hi Zach,

I'm kinda new too, welcome

"When I look real close
I dont brag or boast
Within the mirror its crystal clear
That the shadow that once engulfed me has vanished
The lust, envy, greed, and hypocricy have been managed
I stay humble amoung a world full of giants
Arriving with many tasteful temptations
Yet I remain defiant
Merely a pawn in this game called life
To become a bishop I use my mind, not a knife
Since knowledge is key in understanding myself
I utilize it to the fullest and hope others do to
Because without knowledge you'll never have a clue"

I think this poem could be really good if you switched images for statements, for example,

you say : I dont brag or boast
I stay humble
I remain defiant

Now it would be much better if these were switched with images of your not boasting or something to let me the reader arrive at the conclusion that the narrator is humble or defiant.

Maybe expand on that theme of becoming a bishop you don't use a knife. that was really fascinating and brings up all sorts of ideas, see what you can do with it in the context of your original theme.

good luck,

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-12-05 10:59 AM

Don't know what you mean by blatant but this reads more like the introduction to an essay rather than a poem. You cannot turn prose into poetry, even free verse, by simply breaking it up into short lines. Rid it of about half those unnecessary words and ad some imagery. The idea probably is worthy but the execution falls way short.

lifeonly
Junior Member

since 2006-10-18

Posts 18
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2006-12-05 03:27 PM

"Merely a pawn in this game called life"

"Only a pawn in their game" - Bob Dylan

Sorry, had to point this out, being such a Dylan fan. I think the chess metaphors have been done too many times and they are becoming a bit cliché. I'd go for a "tastier" metaphor

I'd agree with what Pete said above. Concise writing is important in prose but I think it's even more important in poetry.

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