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Tripped - a Rewrite.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Tripped - a Rewrite. |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
This is a rewrite of a poem I posted eaarlier called "Built on Frail Bliss". As suggested I expanded it into a sonnet. In the transition I lost the meaning in the first poem (was never satisfied with it) and wrote it around a new subject while still retaining some of the original lines. Those souls whose lives are dated plans in skies, where craft abides with whirring, buried minds, won’t think the thoughts to capture dreams their size or mother qualities the rapture finds. Scholars will look on Escher’s odd divines and publish drafts with gauge and lines in pen. The waves of truth will whistle down their spines and crack their necks towards the sky again. We’ll wobble dismally on crumpling frames, of pictures shown with valid, branded traits and perfect bliss ideals will mash our names and trip our feet towards their dreary fates. Tomorrow, we’ll be vainly caught in knots of wisdom lost in faultless, flawless thoughts. [This message has been edited by lifeonly (12-01-2006 04:22 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Jeff - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Realer? CS |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
Fixed. My bad, I once used the word 'pastly' too. Really should read a dictionary. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
You won't get too much criticism from me when it comes to spelling - I'll read again and try a little more. CS |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Did you mean realer as in "more real"? What's wrong with that? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Ess- Don't draw us into a second conversation about comparative participles. If you can say "realer" then I can say "guys's" CS |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
What do you mean? Real is an adjective just like tall. You know that taller isn't an incorrect comparative. Why then is realer incorrect? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Also, my point about "guys's" was within the context of "how is your guys's meal?" when about the meal of the people one is speaking to, rather than the meal of an army of guys in their possession (their guys's meal). If the meal of an army of guys in their posession were being spoken about, it would be correct grammar: Waiter: (talking to a man about his army of "guys" eating at a nearby table) "How is your guys's meal (referring to the army's meal)? Man: "Why are you asking me? I don't eat my guys's slop!"  |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
And we go back to the point: what are you paying for? Food and your lack of cooking it. If you are so disgusted with servers grammar than make a hot pocket. CS |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
We better leave the issue about "your guys's meal" in the English Workshop. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Instead of talking about what is correct or incorrect, which is the better for the tone you want to create? Which does the reader think works better for this poem? |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
"Those souls whose lives are dated plans in skies, where craft abides with whirring, buried minds, won’t think the thoughts to capture dreams their size or mother qualities the rapture finds. Scholars will look on Escher’s odd divines and publish drafts with gauge and lines in pen. The waves of truth will whistle down their spines and crack their necks towards the sky again. We’ll wobble dismally on crumpling frames, of pictures shown with valid, branded traits and perfect bliss ideals will mash our names and trip our feet towards their dreary fates. Tomorrow, we’ll be vainly caught in knots of wisdom lost in faultless, flawless thoughts." Hi, just a note to say I really liked this. I tripped once only when I read the waves of truth passing DOWN the spine to crack the necks UP towards the skies. Or maybe I'm muddled the spine starts at the neck so it cant pass down to the neck, you could get out of this I guess by making the waves pass up the spine to the neck. Your call, anyways I liked it. |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
Realer, in the end, is replacable and I think other words can easily take it's place and not hurt the description. As for the spine/neck point, what I was going for was the image of when you get tickle or something in the small of your back your natural reaction is to bend backwards with your head usually pointed upwards. I may have been stretching here and I think I can try to improve the wording a bit, any specific suggestions? |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi, I really like this. The imagery and wording is really neat, and it seems to carry me right along. Two minor things: 'wobble' Not sure this word works? Seems a little too goofy for the rest of the poem, which is tight and seems a little more serious (not too serious, mind you). I'm also not sure you can wobble dismally... 'Tomorrow, we’ll be vainly caught in knots of wisdom lost in faultless, flawless thoughts.' For some reason, I just have troulbe imagining anything 'faultless' and 'flawless' ending up in knots... I see where you're going with the idea, (I think) that the seemingly logical and simple often has deeper layers that can snare someone once delved into... I don't know- I'm actually on the fence, because the clashing image made me think more deeply about it. Anyone else? Hope this helped. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
S2, In the first line, there is still a matter of that bump at the beginning which throws the meter off. "Trochaic Inversion" notwithstanding, it still helps if it flows more effortlessly from the preceding line. L3-4:: Taking these lines as a whole, they seem to have lost a bit of the original flavor and no longer create as clear an image, as in the original draft. As well, they now have a sort of ungainly feel. S3 L1-2: These first two lines are stated well enough, except I have a minor problem with the word 'wobble.' Makes me think of either drunks or planets. L3-4: As a whole, this is another area with sort of a stodgy feel to it. Maybe it is only in the word, 'mash' where my own mind seems to be stumbling. It just does not do it for me. In the rhyming couplet: As it stands, I'm reading: "…vainly caught in knots of wisdom lost…" Perhaps a comma or two would help it make better sense. Either way, I believe it isn't as strong as the originally intended couplet. Overall, it looks as though you tried too hard in your attempt to lengthen while adhering to a stricter form. I'm thinking the suggestion Brad made in the original thread, "…that you dispense with the rules of the exercise and [simply] write the poem." might have produced better results. Sid |
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