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MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2006-11-12 02:23 AM

I thought i would run another poem by you all to get your reactions. Maybe I should just admit to myself that poetry is not my calling, but I do so hate to give up something i enjoy so much, even if i'm not that good at it. LOL Anyway, what do you think of this one?

Lonesome Is?
    ______

What is lonesome?
How can I discribe?
Lonesome is a trembling lip
with tears welling up inside.

Lonesome is waiting
for a call that never comes,
from a love who stopped pretending
that his heart never roams.

Lonesome is smiling brightly
while inside you're feeling lost,
and the overwheming pain
that you hide at any cost.

Lonesome is sleepless at 3:00 am
full of regrets from the past,
as you try to block out memories
of a love that didn't last.

Lonesome is writing poetry
in the wee hours of the morn,
about sadness, tears and lost love,
and a heart thats deeply torn.

Lonesome is crying all night
feeling lost and afraid in the dark,
nowhere to turn in your fear,
your future a question-mark.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-11-12 05:27 AM

I liked this but I don't know if this is a CA poem. Especcially if its in here just to get reaction.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2006-11-12 10:25 PM

Agreed.

CS

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

3 posted 2006-11-12 11:46 PM

Please forgive me, maybe I am wrong, but I thought that's what this forum is about, getting a reaction. A poem is posted and the other members react and give their input on what the poem needs to make it better. How can one reply without first reacting? I am only seeking help. Is that the wrong thing? I work odd hours so only get online late at night to be able to reply.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

4 posted 2006-11-12 11:54 PM

There is a difference between a reaction and an analysis. Reactions are "knee jerk," but analysis is a measured reflection of the worthwhileness (I may have made that word up) of a persons writing. That analysis must be understood as the musings of one non-objective person. My reaction to your piece is that it sounds like a country song. My analysis of your piece would include a closer deconstruction that may include line by line attention. You may want to look at a few of the other post to see what you are in for when you come into CA. For an extreme example, look at Cataract.

Love from the PNW

Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference?

Dane Barner

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

5 posted 2006-11-13 02:12 PM

Wasn't cataract the one that moonbeam pulled?

Or am I completely off base?

Wait, Use wrote cataract. For some reason I thought he pulled it. Nevermind, I was more than likely wrong.

CS said it all, I have to agree. It is about a reaction but reaction to poetry in how it can improve. Not just how people stomach your words which is what I thought you wanted.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2006-11-13 05:01 PM

I found the repetition the main weakness of this poem.  All this does is repeat the same thing over and over again: trying to describe what lonesome (-ness) is.  I think that makes for a very boring poem.

If you may center the poem around an important moment/event of life and express aspects of loneliness more thro describing aspects of that moment, I think it may be much more interesting.  No one wishes to hear "lonesome is...lonesome is" over and over again.

Make a moment of life the center of the poem, not the definition of a word.

I hope that makes sense.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 2006-11-13 05:39 PM

Have you considered the villanelle form?

At the very least, that'll keep the formalists around here happy.

If not, I suspect the biggest problem here is that you've started with an emotion and then tried to come with ideas to describe it. Maybe start with what got you started thinking about lonliness and work from there.

Good hunting.

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

8 posted 2006-11-13 05:47 PM

MsSouthernOrchid~
I don't agree with the idea that a reaction has to be knee-jerk~

I think of it as an action taken in response to some influence ... so, with that meaning in mind ... I will tell you what parts of your poem influenced my opinion, thereby creating the action of critiquing by me~

--------------------------------------------
What is lonesome?
How can I discribe? *(just correct the spelling/typo of describe)*
Lonesome is a trembling lip
with tears welling up inside.

**I rather like poems that ask a question and so this began quite nicely for me**

Lonesome is waiting
for a call that never comes,
from a love who stopped pretending
that his heart never roams.

**Not the greatest rhyme between comes and roams**
But ... I'd have to think on it before I could offer any suggestion for improving it**

Lonesome is smiling brightly
while inside you're feeling lost,
and the overwheming pain
that you hide at any cost.

**This expresses exactly what is often felt by many**

Lonesome is sleepless at 3:00 am
full of regrets from the past,
as you try to block out memories
of a love that didn't last.

**This, too, is familiar territory to those who toss and turn**

Lonesome is writing poetry
in the wee hours of the morn,
about sadness, tears and lost love,
and a heart thats deeply torn.(sp. that's)

**This IS a reaction that happens because of the action of losing one you love**

Lonesome is crying all night
feeling lost and afraid in the dark,
nowhere to turn in your fear,
your future a question-mark.

**You've expressed many, many of the feelings one goes through when their heart feels broken ... and you've done it well**

When I first read this I had taken a peek at your web site (which I don't see available right now) and was most impressed~
You certainly have wonderful poetic talent ... and I would encourage you to consider posting something in either the current Open Forum or even in the Corner Pub ... where I believe your poetry will be well accepted and enjoyed~

**If it's critique you want, and you do seem to desire that, then maybe someone will be able to assist you ... either in this forum, as Essorant or Brad have done, or perhaps even up in Open Forum ...~

Personally, I LIKED it ... I FELT the heartache, felt the loneliness and pain~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

9 posted 2006-11-14 12:57 PM

Thank you all and I do appreciate all the helpful ideas you have offered, especially Marge, Brad and Essorant. You have given me much to think about. Christian and rhia, sorry about missunderstanding each other, these things happen. Thank you both for your help. Marge, thank you for the kind words. I have to admit my poor ego was taking a good pounding so your words did my heart good. I will continue to work on this poem to make it better.

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

10 posted 2006-11-14 08:05 AM

Atta girl !

Anything that HELPS the poet take/make the time
to think and improve on their work ... works for me~

I do hope you'll consider putting your web site link back up
so others can go and enjoy what you've done there~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

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