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To Ceolwulf
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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To Ceolwulf |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
This is a poetic paraphrasis of the beginning of the (prose) preface to Ecclesiastical History of the English People written by Bede. TO CEOLWULF KING THE GLORIOUS AND THE BEST, CHRIST'S SERVANT, BEDE, sent upon request The churchly story of the English race, To seek approval from your kingly grace, And now again, I send it for your skill to further its transcription as you will. I praise the loving zeal with which you stirred Attend so faithfully the Holy Word, But also take care never to ignore The words and deeds of famous men of yore, Whereof you hold a special admiration For those that spring and come of your own nation. For if of moral things a story tell The reader's urged to imitate them well The pious hearer urged to loathe and shun What stories tell of evil workings done, Rememb'ring what is good in Heaven's sight And righteous follow that he knows is right. Your Majesty aware, and since you feel, So mindful of your people's common weal, By Providence your care, you wish indeed People this story better know and read. [This message has been edited by Essorant (10-31-2006 09:03 AM).] |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
Hi, the rhyme scheme and meter seem to be OK but there were a lot of inverted lines, TO CEOLWULF KING THE GLORIOUS AND THE BEST, CHRIST'S SERVANT, BEDE, sent upon request The churchly story of the English race, To seek approval from your kingly grace, And now again, I send it for your skill to further its transcription as you will. I praise the loving zeal with which you stirred Attend so faithfully the Holy Word, * I'm afraid I didnt understand this line, it's probably just me though but it didnt make sense, he's praising the king, now he's giving him an order? Bt it seems rather abrupt and stirred attend doesn't really make sense. But also take care never to ignore The words and deeds of famous men of yore, Whereof you hold a special admiration For those that spring and come of your own nation. For if of moral things a story tell * this line seems inverted to me The reader's urged to imitate them well The pious hearer urged to loathe and shun What stories tell of evil workings done, Rememb'ring what is good in Heaven's sight And righteous follow that he knows is right. * this sentence made up of four lines seems rather complicated, how about told instead of tell since all the other verbs in the sentence are past tense? How about and follow righteously instead of the above? Your Majesty aware, and since you feel, *your majesty aware doesn't make much sense. and no need for a comma before the and So mindful of your people's common weal, By Providence your care, you wish indeed People this story better know and read. *last line is inverted (you wish-no need for indeed-people read and know this story better) hope this helps! regards |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
For something that was originally prose, not bad. Was this an answer to a challenge? The inverted rhyme actually sounds bad and takes away whatever you hope rhyming it does. I would reword those. For everything else I agree with Emy, Nice crittique. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Emy & Rhia Thank you for critiquing. This was an answer to the Poetic Paraphrasis Challenge given here
Two inverted lines are a lot?  But there is difference between suggesting inversion is fault and seeking to give argument and proof that it is fault, either as something general in poetry or as something specifically in this poem. If you don't have any argument or proof, then why should I consider the inverted lines a fault?! Especially when so many great poets of the past used inversion as well? You shall need to give much more than just the word "inverted" to convince me that they are a fault. Any arguments up your sleave? Or did you just say "inverted" to give your comments a more critical "air"?
The word attend is in the indicative mood. But I agree it reads a bit awkwardly. How about: I praise the loving zeal with which you're stirred And hear so faithfully the Holy Word,
Those lines are actually in present tense: The reader(is) urged to imitate... The pious hearer (is) urged to loathe... But even if they weren't I think speaking in present tense is appropriate for speaking about something in general, unless you wish to speak more specifically in terms of a past experience.
Yes, I had some difficulty with that line. It should mean "your majesty aware (of these things), but I wasn't sure how to clarify that better in those lines. Any suggestions? Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Before I start, I have to admit prejudice--Beowulf was another work force fed to me by well meaning scholarship minded instructors. With that in mind, I'll proceed, in all admitted ignorance. The structure of epistle is great--much dignity there, and I actually sat straight up while reading you. (No small feat, Ess.) I know ya'll hate the word "flow", but I have to use it, as "it's all I got". *laughing* Seriously though, I did fine with this until-- "But also take care never to ignore The words and deeds of famous men of yore," I faltered in my reading aloud here--it felt contrived to me. "But also take care never to ignore" and I realize you are, by far, my superior at linguistics, shaking my head, you can roll out diplomas easier than that line. It goes easier without the redundant "But also", I believe. No offense meant, and I hope, none taken. I'm not even going to go into why you chose to capitalize some lines which are clearly mid-sentence, ("Whereof") --like many others, I find that practice distracting. I'm skipping a lot of stuff because this caught my mind's eye: "For if of moral things a story tell The reader's urged to imitate them well" If this states your goal for this piece? You did indeed do very, very well. Other things like: "Rememb'ring" I think you need a damned good reason for English manipulation, and if it's authenticity, and you are an expert, you had better get it right. That resounded convenient, and smacked lightly of "control"--something I understand as I often drop loose vowels. (grin..c'mon, pun intended and smile WITH me) and sigh I apologize for this Ess but your summation? "By Providence your care, you wish indeed People this story better know and read." That was almost so dry it didn't go down. I appreciate your knowledge of language, and you obviously have a keen ear, so I'm kind of not understanding this. I am obviously confused though. Do set me straight lovie. I wanna understand.  I did enjoy this though. Nicely done, considering how I hate Beowulf. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Serenity This poem is only about the beginning of Bede's preface to his Ecclesiastical (Churchly) History of the English People. You may see the prose in English here That is the prose piece I chose to try to write in a poetic form. I'm not trying to make any statement of my own, but represent the prose in a poetic shape. There are few embellishments for the sake of conciseness, meter, and rhyme, but otherwise I tried to meet the exact meaning of the prose. Not sure if I may remove the "but also" without hindering the meaning very much. This is in the text itself. It seems fitting in the context of praising not only his good interest for the holy word (something more spiritual), but also the deeds of famous men of history (generally) and more especially the deeds of men of his own nation. I imagine Bede is respecting that the king has a good interest in affairs that are more spiritual, but also affairs that are more worldly and secular. "Rememb'ring" Indeed, elision is part of poetic licence/tradition within reasonable bounds. I don't think this was uncalled for. It fit more concisely into the meter as three syllables than four, and I think it is often pronounced as three syllables instead of four. Therefore I used reason and discretion behind it. "By Providence your care, you wish indeed People this story better know and read." Not sure how to better this line. The word Providence simply means "God's plan" and the word care is being used toward the meaning "concern" or "responsibility" as a king. Does that make those lines more clear? (Long live inverted lines too )Thanks for critiquing. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Inverting is hard , because there are some places where they fit and actuallly sound fine. There are alot places where it just sounds awkyard because the reader reads it and can't form it into a coherent sentence. The first invert sounds ok with this poem. By Providence your care, you wish indeed People this story better know and read. This one not only doesn't convey anything nessacary to the story that the invert levels it up. It also is forced and the last sentence sounds off when you think of it. People this story better know and read. By providence your care, you wish indeed it should be You better know this story, you should read. Or something where the grammar makes sense, and if you are inverting just to rhyme, it looks, and sounds bad. I tried to explain what I think about inverting. HOpe that helped. RhIa |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Rhia, Thanks Rhia. I appreciate that much better than seemingly writing off a line only because it is inverted. I know inverted lines may and do work well sometimes as well. You talked me into reworking the last two lines. How is this: By God your care, you wish this story told Were better known by all, both young and old. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I like that alot better. |
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