Critical Analysis #2 |
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Free Falling (revision) |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I would like to be a Red Maple ninety feet tall, leaves veined with letters, waiting in an open field for a storm of thoughts and a zap of lightening with volts of words surging through my branches and from that day forward, a poem on every leaf that falls. caterina |
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© Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
subterranean boho New Member
since 2002-08-07
Posts 3 |
Caterina - Great poem! The ending was perfect. I can't wait to see more! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Caterina: I like the originality of this piece, although I found the metaphor of a tree actually wanting to be struck by lightening as a bit unusual. Although, arguably, it is often a dramatic event in ones life that elicit's the response of a new poet picking up a pen and, in hindsight, those possibly scarring events become part of the make-up of the ultimately stronger poet. Which is what leads me to think that I might enjoy this piece better if the "lightening" event was portrayed as a past one and the leaves of poetry falling from the lightening scarred tree be written in the present and/or future tenses. Also, my only gripe about the choice of wording would be in the "storm of .../ zap of .../ volts of ..." lines. I think they would be enhanced if you did not present the "strong" words in the passive voice ... something like "... thought's summer storm" or "lightening strike". Just an opinion. I enjoyed the angle you took. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Caterina, Well, well, well, look who's doing all the revising now ![]() I have to say that honestly I enjoyed the first version more. I thought in this revision you spelled it out to much, ie. "leaves veined with letters", and "for a storm of thoughts", and "with volts of words" Where as the first version you waited until the last line to sum up the metaphor. What can I say, revisions are no fun ![]() ![]() Thanks, Trevor |
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beccymelling Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 31Birmingham, England |
Hi Caterina. I'm new here, so yours is both the first poem I've read, and responded to. I loved your idea of comparing yourself the poet with a tree, and the leaves veined with letters, but I have a little problem with the lightening strike of inspiration. A little cliched perhaps? As has already been said, the idea of a tree waiting for a storm jars slightly, as in your poem it would be the making of the tree, in reality it would be the demise. A couple of suggestions: Maybe the tree could be coming out of a barren period, such as winter, where ideas would be scarce, before blossoming onto the page? Or coming out of summer into autumn with resplendant gilded ideas? If the storm stays I would say to substitute "zap" as it sounds like a comic book illustration. Hope I havent discouraged you in any way - I have no intention to offend! beccy |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Nice extended methaphore! The word "zap" perhaps should be substituted with the word "strike". Good poem nevertheless! |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Thanks Jim, Trevor, Beccy & Rad, My mind is totally boggled now *smile* but I am still working on this. Hopefully I can get it together where I want to be. Revisions are not my strong point.lol I do appreciate all your responses. Thankyou, caterina |
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