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Critical Analysis #2

Good VS Evil

mrmojorisin5908
Member

since 2004-05-03

Posts 103
Colorado

0 posted 2006-10-04 01:41 PM

Dodging fire a serpant slithers into exile
Casting and echo of death from the soul
The devil's harm lives with innocence
But the deserving trash trash its crys

Andrew A.
"While public funds evaporate in feasts of fraternity, a bell of rosy fire rings in the clouds."

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2006-10-05 03:44 PM

Mojo-

Hey welcome to the site. Make sure to take a look at the guidelines - just a overall heads up to what is expected. Also make sure to read around a bit. See what people are posting and how they are responded to.

About your post:

It's short.
But is has a lot of "image-making" words in it. (Yeah I made that word up.)

quote:
Dodging fire a serpant slithers into exile
Casting and echo of death from the soul
The devil's harm lives with innocence
But the deserving trash trash its crys

First "and" L2 needs to be "an"
"crys" L4 needs to be cries.

"echo fo death from the soul" could be much better. Think of the image you want us to see and describe it. It sounds like you borrowed that idea from someone else.

Did you mean to have trash twice. I don't quite get that. Keep swingin'

cs

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