He said...then she said...

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kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

0 posted 2006-10-03 12:23 PM

Incandescent light fingers through my mind,
rippling off-piano keys
rub at my insides
every time I think of you,
volcanos burst my hearing tubes,
exposed and rusted by your thickened brine
revered by some, but not by me
emotes a growth that is so rude,
nestled right behind these eyes,
that erosive quality.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2006-10-03 02:35 PM

Kif

I don't quite get what you are going for here.

quote:
Incandescent light fingers down my mind,
rippling off-piano keys
rub at my insides
every time I think of you,

This is a good start. Does it have to be incandesent light? Does that mean something or just another adjective?

Why the hyphen after off L2? Are you eluding to "off key" and just leaving the piano in for the picture?

I really do like this part.

It's the next section that I don't get. We get a clear light-centered image. Then you go to this volcano idea. I could by the "hearing tubes" line only because it went with the volcano idea, but it doesn't seem quite strong enough.

BUT

Then you come at us with the final three lines:

quote:
emotes a growth that is so rude,
nestled right behind these eyes,
that erosive quality.

That's awesome. The final line is the end of the piece, but not the end of the thought. I really like that part.

So, I'd take another look. Think about formating. It's very clunkly in how it reads. Also, punctuation is all over the place. I don't know when to breath. Check gramatical structure so it reads smoother.

Good start.

cs

Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference?

Dane Barner

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

2 posted 2006-10-03 05:07 PM

Thanks for the in-depth reply, CS. I'm glad you mentioned the punctuation, because as this is an acrostic (spelling 'Irreverent'), I'm unsure how to puncuate, for I don't want any capital letters mid-way. It's a problem here, because it's not one running sentence.

The incandescence hopefully means the white heat of anger. (incidentally, I amended 'down' to 'through'...just after I posted. Sorry for any confusion, I won't meddle with it again until a re-post) I'm 'getting at' the futility of some *arguments, or perhaps the type of relationship that thrives on *argument...hopefully!

(*as in 'niggles'...like arguments that begin with 'you are...')

Perhaps I should have written 'inner ear' intead of 'hearing tubes'?

I agree it's clunky; my particular annoyances lie with lines 7 and 8...the whole thing being so short, I feel these lines are 'filler', but my dubious talents fall short of trying to describe what I'm on about without being too abstract. I fear I'm too abstract in my writing, but when I try to correct that, I end up with 'filler' lines that have a habit of being very boring.

ps; the hypen was probably a mistake, meaning 'off key'. I'm trying to work in sight and sound, perhaps the sound needs more room? Lots to think about, thanks again for your time.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

3 posted 2006-10-03 05:47 PM

I don't think that you need to fear capitol letters or even periods in the middle of lines. Hughes did it, Billy collins did it, Liz Lochhead did it. If you want to create the accrostic use that as your form and to heck with the rest. You probably know poemfinder.com? Look around the top 500 poems for about 3 seconds and you can see examples of ending sentences in the middle of a line.

I totally missed the acrostic thing. That's cool.

Keeps swingin'

CS

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

4 posted 2006-10-03 06:33 PM

I love acrostics.

From the tradition of Victorian valentine, they are especailly dear to my heart as is most of English Victorian age poetry.

I think that is where this seperates from tradition, however.

The tone seems angry to my ear:

quote:
Incandescent light fingers through my mind,
rippling off-piano keys
rub at my insides
every time I think of you,
volcanos burst my hearing tubes,
exposed and rusted by your thickened brine
revered by some, but not by me
emotes a growth that is so rude,
nestled right behind these eyes,
that erosive quality.

Although it's not evident in your opening:

"Incandescent light fingers through my mind,"

this has to be qualified, I think and your second does that aptly:

"rippling off-piano keys"

it brought to my mind a child weary of the practice of scales, but that's just my personal impression of course...

"rub at my insides"

nodding, discordance, yes?

"every time I think of you,"

even with the idea of maddening repetition implicit, this felt like it was convenient to fit the acrostic--another line may yet come to mind though

"volcanos burst my hearing tubes,"

I did wince here, as I know the pain of inflammation, but "hearing tubes" felt slightly clumsy here

"exposed and rusted by your thickened brine"

I am puzzled as to what is exposed, and rusted by thick um...salt? That line left me confused.

"revered by some, but not by me"

again, I think I need a declaritive article to act as a noun here

"emotes a growth that is so rude,"

more confusion as, "emotes a growth"...root to emotion, and I am uncertain as to whether growth pertains to that or not with the following apparent moral judgement of "rude", but it fits with irreverent, so I am assuming here is where you are expressing your distaste

"nestled right behind these eyes,"

I'm afraid I didn't get that either, which very much left the summation of the line:

"that erosive quality."

dangling, for me.

You expressed your emotion very well, I think. (If I got it right at all.)

But I am left confused as to what is the target of the anger, and why an acrostic?

I'm left confused by the message, but if I missed something, I would hope you would take the time to clarify it for me.

I apologize is my tone is disappointment.

I've enjoyed our previous conversations, and I know you to be extremely intelligent, so please don't misconstrue critque as a question of that.

k?

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

5 posted 2006-10-04 02:22 AM

CS, thanks, I'll have a look. I'm pretty ignorant to form, but I'm learning. *I chose an acrostic because I think the type of relationship I'm on about is pre-planned, or 'pre-designed' by 'him', if that makes any sense. 'Her' voice comes after.

Serenity, harhar, I think you know as well as me, I'm not intelligent, I'm just capable of a good argument! I wish I could transfer those 'skills' into poetry, though.

You're pretty right-on in your interpretation; I *used an acrostic because I was thinking 'it's a fine line between love and hate'.

(*does that explain 'why'? And does the explaination work?)

'thickened brine' is pretty mingin'...perhaps meaning sperm, or farther into the metaphor, the essence of 'him'?
Both you and CS have commented on the 'hearing tubes', which will be re-written as 'inner ear', I think.

I agree that there are lines here that need more clarity, and lines that are doing very little, but I'm glad you understood this to be about anger, because I hoped that's what would be highlighted. Thanks for your succinct critique.

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