Little black holes of fortune and well being

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Thomas1
New Member

since 2006-10-02

Posts 5
Felixstowe United Kingdom

0 posted 2006-10-02 07:22 AM

In this blurred vision of heartless romantics,
Burn all the heretics; burst the lungs of Atlantis.
Loveless antics and prostitution of the soul,
Take a bitter road to make your way back home.
With beauty and honour the world will snarl,
Better steer clear of the pretty people now.
Hold all of your illusions close to your dreams,
You’ll just be demeaning every living thing.
I just pray that you’re smiling as you walk away,
Standing by what you held yesterday today.
Everything has flowered, black holes in the sky,
First thing’s first, I was shot away from time
With no virtue, only solitude and holocausts,
Burning crosses everywhere and everybody’s Faust.
Tempted by V.D, you’re so graceful now,
Lovers love lost meaning keeps you so proud.
In hate we see our passions, we recognise life,
We A - bomb fashion to suck blood from price.
Love to love you baby, summers wishing pools,
All I see is heartless romantics and false founded rules.
House of commons valentines, constitution sex,
Love to love you baby, dopamine opium complex.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2006-10-02 12:50 PM

I'm confused as to why you're posting in CA when you've indicated on your profile that you don't encourage critques on your work. What exactly ARE you looking for?

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2006-10-02 01:43 PM

thomas-

Welcome to the board. Few guidelines:
- please don't post more than three pieces a day
- It is encouraged that you read and comment on several poems before you post.
- Just a reminder that this is a critical analysis board. People will critique and offer suggestion.

That being said - I really like this one. It seems to be very Spoken-Word - Kinda like he opening of "Finding Forrester"

quote:
Everything has flowered, black holes in the sky,
First thing’s first, I was shot away from time
With no virtue, only solitude and holocausts,
Burning crosses everywhere and everybody’s Faust.

I like this because it's punchy and shows a certain aptitude for cultural literacy. But, I'm not getting a lot from the piece as a whole other than a slight autobiographical episode. As often is suggested, perhaps take a more simple direction with your next piece, or this one. Try to find a clear message or image and lay it out.

CS

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (10-02-2006 02:28 PM).]

Thomas1
New Member

since 2006-10-02

Posts 5
Felixstowe United Kingdom

3 posted 2006-10-02 02:09 PM

1st poster - Why be so smug? I didn't even know I had a profile. Why would you greet me with a comment like that? If that's what you had to say, I'd rather you said nothing at all.

Thomas1
New Member

since 2006-10-02

Posts 5
Felixstowe United Kingdom

4 posted 2006-10-02 02:11 PM

CS thank you for yoour comment, and thank you for your suggestion. I see where you are coming from.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

5 posted 2006-10-02 03:01 PM

Thanks for changing your profile, Thomas, makes things a little clearer for everyone.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2006-12-18 05:15 PM

This begins with a bang (though I'd drop the first line, two prep. phrases, and really let it begin with a bang) but it seems to lose its edge about half way through. I'm not sure what you're trying to do here, but it looks like you just ran out of rage.

Believe it or not, I think the rant should just continue.

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