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Flight from Aquitaine
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Flight from Aquitaine |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Flight from Aquitaine I woke in the air of the antiseptic pine in Aquitaine hard by the scouring sea, at Arcachon, where the mussels lie and the kelp and the wrack repent under the drying sun by the shore; and being France, every palatable whelk had scarcely an hour before its appointment at lunch. I went to bed in Middlesex near the roar of the metropolitan line and not far off the city shone in sodium orange light under louring clouds down pressed on endless rows of houses you get to see in pretty patterns from the airplane. Come global warming and bring salt water to wash this toxic town away. [This message has been edited by Beau de L'air (10-01-2006 06:50 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 D Gettings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Beau, I was drawn to this time and again and have yet to find something on which to base a substantive critique. Maybe after I read it a few dozen times more—which would not be difficult in the least—maybe then, I’ll notice a comma or something missing. The imagery is quite compelling in your comparative stanzas and the cadence just falls off the tongue in cleanly cut little sugary slices. No nits from me. Let someone else try, if only to keep bumping this up. Thanks for sharing Sid |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Thanks. There is a problem with the juxtaposition of S1 with S2. Although the verses are two ends of one axis, I think the last two lines of S2 aren't quite right. The change of pace or tone or something (!) is too abrupt at the end. I either need more lines before them or I need to delete them altogether. The last couplet is a reference to Betjeman's "Slough" "Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! It isn't fit for humans now, There isn't grass to graze a cow. Swarm over, Death! Come, bombs and blow to smithereens Those air -conditioned, bright canteens, Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans, Tinned minds, tinned breath." I'm not sure the image of the town from the airplane is worth having; maybe too commonplace? But to see the pattern of house lights from the air as the plane tramps about the sky, threading its way towards the runway, is one of my favourite experiences. Regards DG |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I thought I had already talked about this one. I guess it was just in my head.  At any rate, I like the first stanza, but find the second falls into a kind of futility combined with an alliterative sigh far too quickly. Also, not fond of 'sodium orange light'. Break that up or just choose one adjective. Still, I found this very intriguing and would love to read more about these less than ideal cities. |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
What is this? Is this poetry at all? It seems to me like wordy, vague description of a city. I cannot believe the same people who were picking apart my work are giving kudos to this. I see nothing poetic about it. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
We all throw stones from glass houses. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I have re-analyzed the last two lines since seeing your personal thoughts on the entire piece. No, I still like them, but it seems that what's bothering you about them is simply that they need just a slight transition to prepare your audience for the sudden introduction of that stark personal thought at the end. It simply catches one a bit off guard. That's not always a bad thing, but maybe you just feel the need to help them make that connection, perhaps even with just a vague reference to the inspiration for those lines. I wouldn't get carried away trying to explain it too thoroughly though. The cadence established by your careful overall choice of words can be improved slightly by restricting the number of little filler words, as the two that you have in the last two lines. The first word, 'and', could be replaced with a semi-colon. The second, 'to' should be replaced with a comma. You should also delete one, 'and' in S1L4. Sid |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like the idea of flight being likened to a sleep/wake cycle. I'll be thinking about this for awhile, but not sure I have any valuable critique to offer. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I'm not much for critiquing poems, but if I were to change anything of it, the sound of "plane" instead of "airplane" sounds better [in my ear] and I truly appreciate the coloring you gave this with sodium orange. It did indeed emit a toxic flavor, in which you wrapped up the poem with a bow by the last two stanzas. Not to mention the use of the word "louring". I learned something new today. Much enjoyed! Thank you! |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
what is louring? |
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