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Critical Analysis #2
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Need help with a title on this one
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Need help with a title on this one |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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I watch the ash grow on your cigarette. you let it fall into your lap, where it breaks into a field of gray specks on a blue jean canvas. you finally notice, brush them casually away. your eyes see another place, perhaps another face. I wonder where you are. I don't ask anymore. "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (09-29-2006 01:14 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Perhaps it's a bit blunt but...Falling Ashes? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I wasn't sure what importance this poem should have. We don't know who this person is in relation to you nor any background details or context for: "your eyes see another place, perhaps another face. I wonder where you are." It just came across as a vague suggestion to me. I think it needs more substance to work. [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-29-2006 12:04 AM).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Illusion, Thank you for offering a suggestion...but I think that is a bit too obvious. Essorant, The speaker here could be anyone (it is not me). I was trying to convey the feeling of being with someone, but not being with someone...I'm sure you know what I mean. Does a poem truly have to have importance? Can it just offer imagery and emotion? I think so. Thanks for reading, and for offering your opinion, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I agree with you that we don't need to know the identity of the speaker or the subject. The poem is a short vignette and draws its effect not from character but from "circumstance". It's perhaps a circumstance that many will identify with - maybe not precisely in all the detail of the actions with the cigarette etc, but in feeling and emotion. Most people have been there in some form or another, the lost love or friend or relation; the feeling that while the physical presence remains the mind is elsewhere. I think if this had been made any more specific then it might have lost some of its potential to appeal to a wide audience. Incidentally, Rhia, if you are reading this this is a very good example of what I was saying. You see how Kris has SHOWN us the emotions in this. Those first ten lines paint a picture of a person with a cigarette, but don't they also SHOW, as opposed to TELL, us all about the emotions of not only the subject but also the speaker. This is the power of imagery. Kris could so easily have written: "You sat opposite me in silence and you were so disinterested you didn't notice anything you obviously don't love me anymore." Boring uninspiring writing. Thanks for this Kris. Do you need to capitalize "your"? M PS Title: "Ashes", or "Leaving", or "Lost" [This message has been edited by moonbeam (09-29-2006 09:51 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It looks like Moonbeam has hit it spot on. The cigarette and ashes are actually insignificant overall. Their purpose is only to "paint the picture." The emotional content is the poem. Nice work. I could actually feel the loneliness. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Kris- I'm right on the bandwagon. This is my favorite type of poetry. That which shows us just a little picture, and allows us to decide, or shape to our experience what it means. It's a great write. Do you need a semicolon to take the place of the conjunction L9 that was left out? thanks CS [This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (09-29-2006 11:30 AM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I may be getting cold in the old age of my youth, but I didn't get much of an emotional response from this. I think using the present tense makes it come across as a generalized circumstance -as if this is casual and to be expected. That for me made it the more uninteresting. It doesn't come across as anything special or out of the blue, but something the speaker "puts up" with casually and normally. There isn't any depth or importance drawn within this to make it very interesting or let the reader understand anything going on between them; nor anything to substantiate anything about the circumstance. It came across for me as a vague and somewhat cold generalization of the circumstance. But at least it has some nice imagery. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Ess Just as a matter of interest, what do you mean exactly by "importance"? M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Continuing- It's important to me because I can relate. Does the ability to relate to a circumstance that is laid out by a writer effect the level of importance to the reader? cs |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Exactly. No-one is going to argue that this is a "BIG theme" or that it's going to somehow add to the Western canon. But some of the worst poetry I've ever seen is written by beginners trying to tackle the "big issues", you've only got to do a short tour of PIP to realize that! All this does is address a little moment in the speaker's life, portraying it in an interesting way. And if you can relate to the speaker or the subject then maybe that's enough to make it important to YOU. M |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Hi Moonbeam, That is a good question. What I mean by importance is some spiritual depth, giving it a specialness, enlightenment, perspective, moral, reason, uniqueness, substantialness. I didn't really find anything of that in Warmhrt's poem. Although there is some good description and imagery, the poem seems to ignore whatever possible depth may be behind such a circumstance, and therefore we seem to share more of a moment of ignorance or discarding the moment, than seeking to understand it better. It seems to make the least of the circumstance by not explaining anything and then coming to the conclusion of not asking about it anymore. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I like they way the poem is left open to several possible interpretations as to why the speaker didn’t ask anymore. To me that made the scene more powerful, drew me in to re-read and explore every word and nuance until I was almost living the experience. Surely, a poet could ask for no more. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
M, I thank you for reading, and for taking the time to express your positive thoughts on this little piece. I'm not sure about the Y. I often write in lower case, but always capitalize I's. Just a weird quirk. I also appreciate your suggestions as to the title, but I'm still not sure. I thought of "Growing Away". To Rhia...I hope you are reading this thread, and can glean a bit of poetic education from it. M's comments are very good. I would also like to add something. Writers see the world a little differently than others. Perhaps we notice things others don't or are more perceptive as to emotion and the expression of it. I saw a couple in a restaraunt who seemed totally disengaged. I made a mental note of it (sometimes I actually write notes to myself), then tried to work it into a poem. I added the cigarette to make the image clearer to the reader. Fictionalizing an actual image or scene can often do this, or choosing an emotion, and then fictionalize a scene to express it. Most of my work is fiction, though I've done some "true" works. The key is details in description that will draw the reader in, and make him/her feel the emotion you want to expess, whether through metaphor, or as I've done here. I hope this helps you. M...thanks again, Kris To Pete and CS, Thank you both for the "thumbs-up"s. So glad you enjoyed. CS - I think you are right about the semi-colon. Kris Essorant, Is one human emotion more important to be written of than another...love more than anger? Joy more than sadness? I think not, as all of them are human...what we are made of. If I can write a piece that draws the reader in, and communicate the emotion that I wish to, then I feel the poem was successful in some way. Even my work about bottling the summer...Pete thought it was cliche. but didn't care, as it made him feel warm and fuzzy. That is exactly what I was aiming for, and had actually spoken with my mother about...being able to feel the summer in the dead of winter. In that way, I feel even that piece was somewhat successful. If what you said were true, most of my work would mean nothing, and I totally disagree with you that it does, and many others would also. Poetry is a form of human communication...it is not fables with morals tied to them. You are an excellent writer IN YOUR STYLE, which expresses spirituality. Every poet has his/her own unique style. If we all wrote of spiritality or goodness, wouldn't it be boring? Thanks for reading, and for expressing your opinion, Kris Jennifer, I loved the way you expressed your appreciation of the poem. Thanks so much, and glad you enjoyed the read, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Kris, I like this, it's short and simple, and something most could relate to - that feeling of being detached from everything around you -- it made me think of my mother, who does that sometimes. You can see her mind leaving the conversation as she stares off into the distance, just as clearly as if she had gotten up and walked out of the room. my first thought for the title was something like "Miles Away" .. but I'm not sure, it might be a little too .... god I can't think of the word I'm looking for, it's too early in the morning! I'd like mornings so much better if they came later in the day  I'll come back this afternoon. oohh "Obvious" -- that's the word I was looking for! Also, I'm not sure the last line works. The "anymore" at the end seems a little off. Have you tried it with just "I don't ask" or "I've stopped asking" ?? I'll think some more and come back when I'm more awake ~Sheli |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Sheli, Ahhh, another "not a morning" person! Yes, most of us have done just this at one time or another. I tend to be a "thinker", but my dear husband always notices, and pulls me back in. He knows me so well. I thank you for your suggestion about the last line, and will certainly consider it. I played with different last lines, but it seemed this one had the most impact. Thanks for reading...see ya later... Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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