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Two Doves
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Two Doves |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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Two doves leave the crowded wire, fly to the shade of a flowering dogwood tree, where they sit, huddled side by side, cooing longingly, pressing beaks into soft down. Then quickly, they rise together beyond the treetops, as sweet, plaintive calls fill the air. You are my dove. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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| © Copyright 2002 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nice Kris. My only suggestion is the second line. It seems a little flat compared with the rest of the poem. I can't seem to come up with a suggestion for you though. Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Pete!  Thanks for your your suggestion. I was trying to get the image of a long line of birds sitting closely on a wire...guess I failed. I'll have to put some thought into this one. Thanks...Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No Kris, the image worked fine. It's just the actual words used felt too plain, unlike the rest of it. I mean, it's perfectly clear and gets the point across but it just doesn't have the pizzazz. Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Kris, I liked the simple nature of the poem and the metaphor of two doves straying from the flock to be alone in love with each other. I didn't have a problem with the second line like Pete did. I thought it was effective in building the poem up slowly. However I thought you overstated the poem a bit near the end. "cooing longingly, pressing beaks into soft down" I thought "longingly" threw the line off, too clunky. Personally I think "cooing" said enough on its own without throwing longingly in as well. "Then quickly, they rise together beyond the treetops," One suggestion I have is chop out "they" or "together" because both words imply the same thing. Also thought perhaps there might be a better descrip other than "rise". "as sweet, plaintive calls fill the air." Liked this line, thought it went well with the poem. "You are my dove." Honestly, I thought that maybe you could find a better ending or more descreetly word it. It seems that you are overstating the conclusion a bit too much. The reader already understands the metaphor without them being directly told it. I don't mean this in an insulting way, but give the reader a bit more credit. And you probably won't believe me but I'll say it anyways, other than the ending I liked the poem. Damn, if you only knew how much that hurt to say  Thanks for the read, Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trev, Again, some very good suggestions...thank you. I will certainly consider them. The "longingly" after cooing was added because doves coo all the time, for anything. I don't know about the ending. I really wanted it to be "You...are my dove", but I know how much you guys hate those little dots. I think it is much more effective with the pause in there. Rewrite and rewrite...that's what we do. Thanks again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (08-06-2002 01:53 PM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi warmht, I have a couple of thoughts for you. What if you incorporated the 1st 3 lines, ex. "Two doves take flight from a crowded wire to a flowering dogwood tree" would that be a consideration, you think? I don't think that you need the line "where they sit" huddled side by side could then be "where they huddle side by side" and the next line with the cooing, it would sound beautiful if it were "coo,coo longingly, beaks pressed in soft down" Don't think you need the word "together" since you already have "they" and another thing you could do is switch some words around and add another, like this Then quickly, they rise beyond the treetops crown Some ideas for you to ponder. I loved the mood of this write and of course I adore doves. Hope I helped a little. caterina |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
caterina, Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time for such a lengthy comment! You have made some very good suggestions, and I am going to consider them along with the others I have gotten, and see what I can come up with in a rewrite. I love doves too...the sound they make is so precious, and they are a beautiful bird. Thanks again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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