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Critical Analysis #2
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sage advice
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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sage advice |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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is what he said to me. This foolish one, he did not know, all he had to do was sing. "I want to be a star," he said. I smiled at him. I shook my head. This foolish one, I could not teach, for all he had to do was reach. ""I want to live in heaven." He pointed to the sky. His last request I understood, and this time I replied: "Dreamer, go on, sing your songs, however futile they might seem. Reach for the stars, reach very far, as far as is your need. But heaven is no place to go-- you'll find I do not lie. For heaven is no place or thing, it's just a state of mind." * * * |
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| © Copyright 2006 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
I would not change a thing in this one. Have to tell you, ser, it moved me, truly. *hugs, you*.......jojo |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Saving it, of course.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I saved it too. It was written by me when I was twelve years old. This was before the internet, before windows, before such the luxury of "google" and I was dragged into the office of the principal, accused of plagiarism. AGAIN. They never could figure out who I stole it from, because I never stole it. And I never allowed another damned teacher to read another damned thing I wrote until I was in the limbo of being half-sophomore, half-junior, and an English Lit. teacher finally understood that my finger twirling my hair for forty minutes was a creative process. I handed that teacher every cocktail napkin, every matchbook, every thing I had ever written, and I won best overall winner in the Language Arts Competition. I did not attend. I heard though, that she stood for me, and accepted every ribbon in my stead. I really wish now, I had been there. Thanks Jo. I distinctly remember drinking a quart of beer on the levee, wondering if my name was called that night. It was.  Be careful preachers. |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Ser, though I know I haven't followed the guidelines for CA in my post, the urge to post and let you know I'd read this could not be overcome. Hoping all those who are looking for specifics on why I liked the poem will forgive my lack of proper critique, because the truth is...the poem reached out of the page and touched me, that's all. I could say things like, the use of meter and repetition was effective and lended to the poem's cohesiveness...but that is not why I liked it -- it was something extra-internetual...lol. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: :  : But you DID follow Ron's guidelines perfectly.So will I ... This poem is good. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
(I promised not to be sarcastic - original comment removed with contriteness.) I think the point has been amply made that heavy handed teaching methods don't work, which I, for one, agree with. That doesn't detract from my certainty (based upon first hand teaching experience) that negative comments and, yes, very occasionally even comments bordering on harsh, DO help some people some of the time. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
And here endeth the lesson and the preaching. I give up. Hugs kisses etc etc |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
A amazing poem, moved me deep inside, i loved it. This was really good. The flow and idea and ending was perfect. Blown away. This isn't very helpful but this is really good. Wow, I am going to read it again. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I think that's the point, Rhia. This poem wasn't posted to be critiqued in order to help the writer improve the actual piece. In my opinion this was posted to prove a creative point, and that's been discussed above. There are arguments that see a benefit in using cliche, and there are arguments against using cliche. This write, however, doesn't warrant discussion on form, because in my opinion, it's a dead poem, it's boxed-up and presented as evidence in the Births Deaths and Marriages of Free Thinking. I think that's because I have a strong sense of intent from the writer, and it's contradictory. The 'form' of cliche and nursery-rhyme lulls to apathy, yet the content is all about inspiration. Serenity, I think you've improved throughout the years. I'd much rather critique something in this forum that's written from your adult perspective. (ps, I think that it's questionable that an adult poet here posts a thing written when she was 12, in it's own thread. Sure, make a point and post it within the appropriate discussion, but to me, this is silly. Do we have a children's section?) |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
We have teen poetry, but the poetry in there is hardly written by children. Not all of it is that great but most of it conveys great emotion, and sorrow and pain. They are interesting to read. They do show not tell also, well they do that for teens at least like me. That may be that as teens we go through similar things so we can feel the emotions, paint those pictures in our minds eyes so well, also because its so personal. The poetry is not written by children nor is the topic matter, what a child would write about. You may disagree, but thats how I feel, having written in there for all of the time before I decided to try out CA, and I still write and read poetry there. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I'm not knocking youth art, Rhia, I'm simply saying that this particular write is not here to be critiqued in itself. It shouldn't matter what age you are to post here, as long as the poems are up for attention, and you're honest about where you're coming from. I will say though, that if a 13 year old is posting in critical forums (in any forum, even teen), it's imperative to remember that off-the-cuff, 'easily forgotten' witty/sarcastic comments could seriously upset them, perhaps more so than the seasoned debater/arguer/chatterer. That's why, like I said in another thread about this same subject, everyone's needs are different, but our wants here are collective. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
HEH: quote: Sweetheart? I am open to critique anywhere. It even says so on my profile. I'm looking at it right now and yep, it says, "serenity blaze encourages Constructive Critiques." You show me yours, I might show ya mine. (That's a little more juvenile than twelve. So soddy.  )oh you people...have you really forgetten the fun? and as since I have learned the art of the quote thingie, as soon as I find the quote that said that poems shouldn't be judged by the age of the author--I'll be sure to come back and quote it. Until then, I shall write and post whatever I damned well please, within proper forum guidelines, of course. In C/A, or on the sidewalk... those who "get it", will get it. Those who don't will find comfort in debate. and excuse me, but it is well past my medication time...  Thanks all, for reading. I'll be back again in about a year. (Nice place y'have here Pete) ciao  |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I believe that this one forum in this large site is for posting poems that the writer hopes to improve on. I think we can all have fun, but not at the expense of critique. That forum is already provided for in Open Poetry. ps; I'm currently reading Michel Foucault 'What Is An Author?' I would argue that this poem is not the work of an author, but of a writer, for authorship is 'the priveleged moment of individualisation in the history of ideas, knowledge, literature, philosophy and the sciences." As this poem is constructed by cliches, it's not individual. (incidentally, no, I don't think I'm an author, either.) |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Unreserved applause for Kif Kif. Rhia I want to discuss the very interesting point you made above. If nothing else comes from this thread it will still be worthwhile because the point you made about similar teen experiences illustrates well what I've been trying to say to you. Back later. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Rhia I'll be back on this tomorrow I hope; I am out of time tonight. So Karen, wouldn't it be nice to see stuff like this: /main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=94&topic=001270 in CA. That's what I call a beautiful poem. M M |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nice to know we agree on something. But I can't very well post FOR Maree. So maybe you oughtta ask HER? Your intent puzzles me. But then, so much does. *shrug* Carry on, good people. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Karen No mystery, my intent is benign. A forum where young (and ancient - heh) writers can LEARN something about poetry. The devil, as always, is in the detail. Your friend is a good poet. Now I will carry on as you suggest. M |
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