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Critical Analysis #2
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rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2006-09-17 05:49 PM



Born in fire, created by the darkness
Plunged in the icy depths, lit up by golden light
Fed by greatness, glory, shadow and pain
Over possession of, an eternal fight

Forged deep within the core of the earth
Brought above the greatest heights
What a day to behold the grand birth
Of our people of Humans.

Shaped by great creators
Molded by the world
Pulled by opposite forces
Trying to even out a balance

A work of art
Pandora’s box
Can go both ways
We have free will

Opened up a different story
We shape our own fates
Changing constantly our destinies
Started a work in progress

It was the greatest mistake
Yet the most unique gift
To form our species
Things are no longer in iron control

An experiment of all the
Gods, Goddesses, spirits, deities
A trial of new growth that cannot be taken back
You started a whole new beginning with Humans.


© Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved
Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
1 posted 2006-09-18 01:31 AM


Rhia,

I recommend not posting so quickly one poem after another.  Your other new poems are hardly answered at all, and you already send more, without showing much interest in critical analysis of what you wrote and how it is written.



kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN
2 posted 2006-09-18 01:48 AM


I think there's too many 'ingredients' in this, Rhia. It seems you've flung all the ideas you have (many of them cliche) into one thing...it's a mess. You casually talk about 'free will' and 'fate', 'experiments with gods and godessess', and 'iron control' and as a reader I wonder "where did that all come from"? There's no story set-up to make your statements believable, and a story might also make your assumptions palatable. At the moment, I'm going "whaaat?"  I think you need to narrow the idea down...describe one or two things in this poem in more detail, and make it less sweeping. Make the reader care, by giving your generic 'humans' a character, perhaps?
rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
3 posted 2006-09-18 12:31 PM


its sopposed to be complex , humans are a mix of many diff things. humans arent one littel detail.
kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN
4 posted 2006-09-18 01:26 PM


Yes, but in trying to encompass everything, you've missed out the details that make up the whole---kind of like 'you can't see the trees for the wood'.

The reader (me) wants something, a character or idea  that he or she can follow throughout the poem...by introducing loads of characters and ideas in such a small space has turned this poem  into a jumble. Sometimes, the most can be said in the least words.
I'd advise not to worry about getting it all in, but rather, what one idea/character could be expanded on to show what's going on, without telling it.
You talk of gods, but say nothing of their 'legends', and what they mean within this piece, and just kinda 'fling it in' as an afterthought.
Like I said, there's a lot of ideas in this one piece, perhaps enough to make a few poems, but for the reader to 'get lost' within this, there's got to be more clarity and if you're going to use the god's, intent.

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