»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Voices
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Voices |
|
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Walking down the lonely street Remembering my broken dreams Step by step, I pace on home Again I am leaving alone Never forgetting all my crushed hopes Even I don’t know how I really cope Beginning to sprint as Tears threaten to fall I contort my hips to avoid hitting the wall Unable to contain My emotions all this pain My run becomes a contest against myself How much more do I have to do this till I am well? only way to stop my heart from crying out keep my head from pounding, eliminates any self doubt words run in lines all through out my mind “Gotta keep going, gotta keep tryin” voices of the ones I love, speak to my innermost core as the wind’s whispering song plays, I can forget before my feet step down in time to beating of my pulsing veins all my sorrow flies away on the breeze, there goes that pain just flickers of the memories of hurt are all that remain my eyes no longer glittering wet just as it starts to rain cascading drops of water as they splatter, speak "gotta keep going, gotta keep trying, don’t be weak" out of breath got to stop, coming back all my unease Maybe its time to finish it, just admit to my defeat reaching into my pocket, pulling out a silver tipped blade trying to convince me, that memories of me will fade and disappear of the face of the earth, BS voices in my soul sounding loud, a caress to my confused and ripped heart, I hear disgust and scorn in the voices, of my disbelief, that I am that forlorn I know I never could, complete that thought or stare My fingers open, the knife falls, people would care I stand up tall for the first time in awhile Found innocent in a drawn out trial I begin to race, down the street Relighting extinguished dreams Voices will whisper in my ear not again, no more Instead I hear the song of the ones I love in through my very core I walk up distantly familiar steps Confidence of a girl possessed by who was her all along Just needed help to be strong. |
||
| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Lines that end in rhyming, or somewhat similar to rhyming words, do not make poetry. I know you have a story to tell here and it could even be a worthwhile one. But the forced rhyming is so overpowering that I can't get past it to hear the content. We usually see forced rhyme in the form of words or phrases stuck to the end of lines that really don't fit the content and were obviously put there jsut to make the desired rhyme. In this case, you haven't done that so much as force illogical line breaks for the same purpose. If anything, that stands out even more than wrong words. In either case, it indicates a lack of experience. You really need to work on that. If you want to write rhyming poetry then read a bunch of it, not that written by your friends but by published poets. To be sure, some of that may not be so good either but even then it can serve as a bad example. For starters, rhyming poetry usually works much better when combined with consistent meter, allowing for some permitted variations. Yours obviously has no discernable meter. Although it is possible to mix rhyme into free verse, it is no easy task. Likewise, writing rhyming poetry is also no easy task. You can also search back through this forum for examples of both styles, both good and bad. It is not difficult to discover the writers here who seem to get the most respect from critics. Try to study their work and what might make it good. There are also plenty examples of lesser work that might give some ideas as to what makes a poem fail to inspire others. Finally, take encouragement in the fact that all these are common mistakes of beginning writers. With time, practice and a little effort you can get beyond them. Pete |
||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Sorry I was busy doing this when Pete replied. He has some good advice there. Rhea I'm going to assume first that you want people to read your poems and second that you want to improve so people will like them and want to read more. Think of yourself as an entertainer. Poets in olden times were literally that, standing up in front of audiences reciting their poems from memory. Poems in those days usually had a strong narrative quality (storyline), but were often incredibly lyrical too (musical to the ear), perhaps they were less meditative than many poems are today simply because they had to appeal to a wide audience and to do that they had to have immediacy and accessibility. Above all however they had to grab the audience's attention and for that they often needed originality - either originality in the theme or story or originality in the telling. I often suggest to new poets that they should think of themselves as old time entertainers seeking to grab an audience and hold attention. Believe it or not that often means avoiding poems centered around yourself. Audiences quickly tire of hearing "I did this", "I did that", or me, me, me. I am not saying that you should never write in first person, but you need to be careful if you do to take extra special care to make the poem original in the telling and in theme. If you don't then you risk the whole poem becoming one colossal cliche. And cliches are very bad because they are the surest way to lose your audience. People quickly tire of hearing the same old things over and over. Fraid to say it but your poem is precisely that. A first person cliche that you can read all over the internet: Poet sad, poet contemplating suicide, poet remembers ones she loves, poet happy again, the end. I would say it's very nearly impossible for a beginner poet to write a good poem on that theme. My advice is ditch this poem totally. There is little point in me reciting all the other beginner errors in the piece because the theme makes it unrescuable. I would love to help you write better but you first need to get yourself and your ego outside of your writing a bit. Imagine you're up in front of the crowd. How would you grab ‘em? Writing is exciting, but to most people your innermost feelings aren't that big a deal, and writing about them badly won't make them so. Instead think of an object, a pet, a landscape, a city, a pebble, some thing that means a lot to you. Visualize it clearly and then try and write just a very few lines about it but make them ORIGINAL - try and see something about that thing that no-one else has ever seen before and then express it in an original way - even a zany way. Don't be frightened of being weird, just do it. Good luck. M |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
not what i was expecting as critique but thats ok. thanks for letting me no what you guys thought. sorry my writing is probaly not that great. im used to having my writes in teen poetry. ok, i have to think then definetly about how to not have it b about me cause most of my poems are like that . that is an intersting idea to think about. I write my poems when i get ideas or i feel something needs a poem or something like that. . I write to let out steam and to put ideas in words. But i do want to improve my writing alot. thannks for the advice i have to think about al lthis. Moon beam and not a poet could you please read Americas legacy, i think i posted it if i havent I will post it right now. I would like to know what you think of that poem. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
