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The predators
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The predators |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Sorry about this but I wasn't allowed to edit the original. Timed out or something. I'll probably get banned for this, but I promise to review two poems in penance. Version The Predators She quartered the grass in mechanical lines, a gunship in the bright still morning, hunting with a humming noise. Cat. Not a name to conjure with, like Dragon Fly. A pair of eyes in stroked sleek fur, felled the beast with a casual ferocity,and not a little killing skill. She fought the cat for all her life remaining, no more than a minute of dreadful theatre. And he didn’t even eat her corpse in homage, one predator to another. DG |
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| © Copyright 2006 D Gettings - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
A nice idea let down some what by the execution (no pun intended). I loved the opening image: accurate and original. At least it’s fine until L3 and then you totally spoil it. The word “hunting” is redundant. The title combined with the first two lines tell us all we need to know at this stage. You don’t need to spell it out. “with a humming noise” drains the image of power - it’s so wet (as in pathetic). L4 through L7 are confused. The linebreak on Dragon is gimmicky and doesn’t work. The passage also has moments of near cliche. L8 to the close is just extremely telly verging on prose with linebreaks. M |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
You are right, it's mostly rubbish, but it was an exercise in describing a bizarre event so I was after a bizarre effect. Things I don't like myself are "humming noise" (just prose, nothing more) and "she fought the cat". I like Line 7, so there.... A lot of people liked "gunship". It must be the zeitgeist. The break on Dragon (mythic) was to position the word in opposition to Cat (homespun). You're entitled to think it is silly, it was meant to be a bit silly. The last two lines are OK really.. If it's David Attenborough on telly, I'm not complaining. The two lines above them however aren't vintage, especially the word "dreadful" I would agree, although quite a lot of people liked them. This verse isn't "angst filled" stream of consciousness stuff by any means, but I find most of it tedious, and self referential. For better or worse I write small tales and observations. (to the best of my ability obviously) |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Believe me, if you can write two opening lines like that you are capable of a LOT better. Please don't be discouraged by my negative comments they are meant constructively. Are you reading any contemporary poets right now? M |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Liz Lochhead. Can you recommend any you like? [This message has been edited by Beau de L'air (09-16-2006 08:21 PM).] |
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