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loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

0 posted 2006-09-05 04:10 PM

I dont know why it makes me cry
It doesnt make sense, I want to die

I love to see you everyday
But I dont like this game we play

I love you but its way too much
All the pain and tears and such

I loved you, though you hurt me so
I love you still, just so you know.

then theres the moment of silence, the eye of the storm, when the whole world collapses, i want to be in your arms

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2006-09-14 10:28 AM

Well heavens, you managed one line without an "I" in it. Hooray.

Sorry to be a bit sarcastic, but really poems of this quality should be confined to diaries and private love letters and are in NO WAY appropriate in a poetry workshop.

M

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2006-09-14 03:11 PM

Ah Moonbeam shining your happiness on us all. Now that's sarcasm. I think that we should always give our opinion on a piece, but it is not our job to pass judgement on a person or where the piece should reside.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-14 03:53 PM

"Ah Moonbeam shining your happiness on us all. Now that's sarcasm. I think that we should always give our opinion on a piece, but it is not our job to pass judgement on a person or where the piece should reside."

It might be better Christian if you confined your comments to the poem rather than attacking me. In most serious poetry workshops personal attacks launched by one critiquer against another are frowned upon and stamped upon by the moderators.

However since you've addressed me directly I might point out that it's not your job to tell me what I can or cannot do.

On the substance of your comment which WAS a personal attack on me I would point out that I was being sarcastic about the fact that this particular poet is seemingly unable to get away from diary entry poetry. My sarcasm was used to make a constructive point about the writing. As for where it is posted it is JMO that this post should not be in this particular forum - again, no attack on the poet, who is no doubt a lovely person, just an attack on the abysmal writing.

And I am radiantly happy thank you sweetie.

Now why don't you leave me alone to critique and go and criticize a poem instead of moi.

Bless.

Moonbeam.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2006-09-15 10:46 AM

i can vouch for love is love being able to write well . i have to agree with this having to much "I" in it for my taste. but moonbeam love is love is actually a pretty good poet. i have read someo of love's other poetry , cause Love writes in teen poetry and i write some stuff there and i read stuff there.

cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

5 posted 2006-09-15 09:16 PM

I think more that moonbeam would like you to challenge your writing skills. It is apparent that you've got a message to send and maybe trying to do it in a different way.

I would also have to agree, I would say that this is very "common" poetry (not that it is a bad thing).

I would change around the stanzas and rely less on rhyming the end of the poem or if you are really aiming for such, maybe push it to form iambic pentameters.

These are only suggestions to push yourself over and beyond.

loveislove
Member

since 2006-06-25

Posts 59
USA

6 posted 2006-09-17 09:52 PM

awww thanks, you guys are gonna make me cry now...lol...

then theres the moment of silence, the eye of the storm, when the whole world collapses, i want to be in your arms

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