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Critical Analysis #2
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Mermaids
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Mermaids |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
(This is somewhat an excercise in a form of double rhyme: alliteration and endrhyme together) Mermaids Heroes have told, Their tales never fade, How havens hold, How handsome wade, Starry in streams, At steepseas found, Maidens like dreams Draw men with sound. Songplay is sent To souls in ships, Unlocked and lent From lusty lips. Ears never ache To hear them sing Eyes less awake Awe as they swing, As the boats break in the bale they bring! Not hags are they The halffish wives But prettiest play Plenty with men's lives! [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-04-2006 11:45 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Essorant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
Wonderful. I love stuff like this. It was very creative.. It sounds like an old folk song or poem.. great job.. ~heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Thanks lief Heather. I'm glad you liked it. |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
This has a certain "swing" to it It makes me think of "And I have asked to be Where no storms come, Where the green swell is in the havens dumb, And out of the swing of the sea." (GMH) Plenty of invention despite or rather because of, the constraints of the form. I liked the following very much. Starry in streams, At steepseas found, Maidens like dreams Draw men with sound. Songplay is sent To souls in ships, Unlocked and lent From lusty lips. Two "nits" IMHO "Awe" - slack-jawed, especially in poetry. But slightly better than "awesome" I suppose "Plenty"- doesn't sound right to me. cheers, DG |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Beau de L'air Hello, Thanks for your comment. I was not sure what you meant about the word "awe"; but I saw what you meant with the word "plenty" after looking it up in the dictionary. How about: Not hags are they The halffish wives But prettiest play prodding at men's lives! [This message has been edited by Essorant (09-10-2006 02:56 PM).] |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
very good. I am carefully studying this one Tomtoo |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Essorant, It strikes me that the sound of things is enormously important to you and that you put a lot of time and effort into making sure that the music of the poem is clear. I think that you probably have some clear picture in your head of what's happening to accompany your lush sound-track and may assume that other people can see it too. Some folks may be able to, but I have trouble with it here. I can't see what's going on at all. There are no colors at all, if there are havens, I have no idea what they look like. Lips may be lusty, but I can't see or even actually experience them in any sort of immediate tactile way. I'm not even sure if the lusty is German beer hall lustig with polka and bratwurst or lusty as in a couple of hormone driven teens in a rented room. You're very good with words, I get the impression, but I need and don't get any kind of an in focus visual impression. The action and description here is very blurry. Is there some way you can sneak in some sort of sensory verbs, other than the single minded dependance on sound. Don't omit sound, add some other stuff to give a fuller presentation. It'd help me enjoy the poem more fully. Sincerely, BobK |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Essorant, I think you accomplished just what you set out to do. ( like I know what you set out to do.) On some parts I had to use a little Kentucky windage, but I understood every word. But don’t rest yet, as the Tomster is checking it deep. I enjoyed your double dealing. Btw,I have wondered, is Regina anywhere near Lake LeBarge ? |
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