Prejudice, Greed and Hatred.

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artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

0 posted 2006-08-13 05:43 AM

If
with the starving and the poor I display acts of truth
If
we all only did this, then life would not be so aloof
If
with the faithless I act with faith, then won’t faith be attained?
And with evil, I act good, then won’t they be ashamed?
In that way surely goodness, will be attained
And those who love to war, peace on them I rain
Although it is hard, when we witness the killing and the tormented horrific pain

Children dying in the street, with their mothers going insane
Dying little babies as starvation causes pain
How can we allow this to continue, this senseless awful slaying
If peace is not attained, then we will continue to be paying
With the blood of those, that innocently in this world got slain

And on all of us the reflection, is one of unholy shame
Yes those who love to go to war, for them we should be praying
That they will end this greedy, power seeking game
Allowing us to return to a world that does not claim
Prejudice, greed and hatred, in its hall of fame

if it is going to be it is up to me i choose my destiny

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2006-08-13 12:13 PM

I suspect it must take something special to be able to write a politically oriented poem without coming off as just another rant. Actually, you did rather well in that respect here. Probably the vast majority can despise the killing and attrocities of war without being pacifists. I get that feeling form this poem so I think it could have a broad audience.

On the negative, you have way too many awkward word inversions and other constructs that naturally lead to apparent forced rhymes, one of the most obvious flaws a poem can have. This would be much more powerful if you rearranged those to get the words in the normal order and forget about trying to make it rhyme. This is all JMO, of course.

Hope this helps,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

P.S. An appropriate quote from Albert Einstein,
"I don't know what weapons WW III will be fought with but WW IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

2 posted 2006-08-14 01:30 AM

Thank you for commenting and reading, if not to much of a problem could you correct it for me, i do appreciate all the help offered once again thank you.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2006-08-14 11:35 AM

Well Garth, it would not be right for me to rewrite it for you. Then it would be my words instead of yours. Besides, I am the first to admit that free verse is not my strong suit and free verse is what I am suggesting here. It would be much more useful for one of our better free verse writers to help you out on this one.

I will give an example of what I mean though.

quote:
Children dying in the street, with their mothers going insane
Dying little babies as starvation causes pain
How can we allow this to continue, this senseless awful slaying
If peace is not attained, then we will continue to be paying
With the blood of those, that innocently in this world got slain

Every line in that stanza leaves the feeling of forcing the rhymes to fit. They just don't naturally fall that way. And look at that last line. When would you ever say anything like that in speach? That's what is meant by word inversions. To paraphrase Brad, "that's Yoda speak." It was acceptable 150 years ago and we even accepted it in the films but not in modern writing.

Someone a few days ago recommended "The Elements of Style." I don't remember which thread. That little book will be a great help in learning how to write, not specifically poetry but just writing in general. I can't recommend it enough. You should be able to find a copy at most book stores or order it online for well under $10. My copy is marked $6.95 and I think it was discounted at Borders.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

4 posted 2006-08-15 04:36 AM

Thank you very much, i like, i like, i will but the book. I hope one of the free writters gives it a bash it converts it into something. thank's again.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2006-08-16 08:12 PM

art,

This poem shows you are much like me...an idealist, although I feel we are a dying breed.

As far as the poem goes, yes, it does have flaws, but I liked the words, the concept. Since it is a rhyming poem, Pete does have the expertise to help you with it. Try to change and rearrange another draft, and post it.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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