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artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

0 posted 2006-08-05 06:25 PM

Alone
she cooks night after night.
terrified and
lonely that is her plight.
As the gambler you find playing deep into the night.
Precious to him is the die
They never slumber or sleep they don’t lie

Away from his wife the tables he keeps
In his warm bed another shall sleep
Never vexed or angry the die is so kind
Gambling eats your soul
leaving happiness behind
So awake and get out
before
it is too late
When you look in the mirror
and
yourself you shall hate

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2006-08-05 10:06 PM

art,

Without getting into content, I would like to offer my opinion on form. It is often an essential piece of the reader's enjoyment of your work.
The following is how I would "assemble" these words you write.(Of, course, my humble opinion.)

Alone
she cooks night after night,
terrified and lonely,
that is her plight.
As the gambler you find playing
deep into the night.
Precious to him is the die,
They never slumber or sleep,
they don’t lie.

Away from his wife,
the tables he keeps,
In his warm bed another shall sleep,
Never vexed or angry,
the die is so kind,
Gambling eats your soul,
leaving happiness behind.
So awake and get out
before it is too late,
When you look in the mirror
and yourself you shall hate.

Hope I helped a bit,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

2 posted 2006-08-05 10:20 PM

I like it.

Don't switch from "he" to "your" though.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

3 posted 2006-08-06 06:37 AM

Kris, thank you for the help and suggestion i agree.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

4 posted 2006-08-06 06:49 AM

thank you, Beautyincalvary, i appreciate the comment and your time to read.

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

5 posted 2006-08-06 08:49 PM

The poem is one that any other poet wants to rewite because it is good enough to bear the experiment (viz. wrmheart above).

L1. Alone she cooks in the night
L3. drop "that is her plight", it's implied, and needs no rhyme.
L6. oddly enough "die" is the singular of dice
L7. Be sure that you want slumber as well as sleep because alliteration will draw one's eye and ear to it.
The last line: Sometimes the punch line is more effective if you suddenly switch out of verse into prose and to the present tense i.e.
" When you look in the mirror
And you hate yourself."

DG.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

6 posted 2006-08-15 04:43 AM

Please do, i would realy appreciate this.

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