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artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

0 posted 2006-08-04 10:09 AM

When a man knows the truth of a woman
then he will begin to understand
The stimulus of loves music
The completion of the band
when
the music starts to play
Every member stands
Electric shock triggered off
just
by holding hands
And to the music of love
Our bodies really jam
Its only when you know
the truth
That you will awaken
silly man
The beauty is you can have it all
Trust me you really can.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

1 posted 2006-08-05 12:23 PM

Nice rhythm, artexeres. One thing, did you mean "love's music"? To say "the stimulus of loves music" isn't grammatically correct, I don't think-a grammar King or Queen would have to clarify that.

I liked your use of everyday language, "our bodies jam" is almost a forgotten metaphor, but one that works well.

I think this works like a song, and in songs, you can get away with sweeping statements about gender, as it comes across as personal-you're not talking about all men, and all women, you're talking about a particular man and a particular woman.

I'd drop the last rhyme, though-"you really can" is redundant. Just "Trust me" would work. Sometimes, bravery is needed to leave something without 'rounding it off.'But... that's just my opinion.

A pleasant, optimistic, and almost exasperated look at the dance of two people. Thanks for the read.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

2 posted 2006-08-05 01:57 PM

thanks, for your imput, i will work on changes and see, how they pan out, i am not sure as the grammer, i think i would like comment as to the "stimulus of music"? intresting?lol thanks again for the comments and your time.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

3 posted 2006-08-05 03:48 PM

I meant using "the stimulus of love's music", instead of "the stimulus of loves music." It's the '...whatever it's called. I'm sorry, I don't know the term...somebody help! It's difficult to express without knowlege of terms.

I don't mean changing that line, it's one of the best in this! I hope I'm a little clearer...?

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2006-08-05 04:36 PM

possessive

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

5 posted 2006-08-05 04:58 PM

Or genitive.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

6 posted 2006-08-05 05:30 PM

thank you for reading and commenting i must look up that one word though lol thanks again

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

7 posted 2006-08-05 09:26 PM

Yeah I think that the idea is pretty good. I am afraid the concept is stale. I'd like to know why you love this woman and how she has completed you. Also the format is a bit abrupt.

CS

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

8 posted 2006-08-07 03:51 PM

fair enough, i love this woman because for thirty one years ago the magic has not stopped, the friendship has soared past the heights where the imagination fails to imagine. She is the fulfilment of my emptiness, the completion of my soul
It is for her that by night when I lay all alone, I search, for her whom my soul loves. It is about her that when the morning brings the light, her existence is in my mind, she is the one. She is your one, this is love, and this gift of her's, completes me.

raff214
Junior Member

since 2006-09-05

Posts 11
Az,USA

9 posted 2006-09-05 07:09 PM

I don't think that the theory of love between two people can ever be stale. Throughout the ages what force has been more powerful than love for another?
With the prevalance of hatred so much in the forefront of our everyday lives it's refreshing to know that love, even expressed simply, is real. Thank you for sharing.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

10 posted 2006-09-07 03:17 AM

Thanks for clarifying the punctuation term, Not A Poet and Essorant---which is it? I'll go with 'possessive', it's easier to remember.

artexeres, the description you gave should be incorporated into your poem. I like the idea of 'the gift'. Perhaps a metaphor like that would make this poem explode!

As for the concept being 'stale', well, I think a good poem could breathe freshness into anything. After all, everything's been said before about everything.

I think love is a great thing to write about, the concept is huge!

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

11 posted 2006-09-10 07:46 AM

Thank you for reading and commenting raff214, love such a diversified subject.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

12 posted 2006-09-10 07:49 AM

Kiff Kiff, i really apperciate your comments and suggestions, thank you for your advise and input.

Shaddow1
Junior Member

since 2006-09-04

Posts 41
Kingman Az, USA

13 posted 2006-09-11 01:31 AM

Very nice poem Your are using music as a metaphor for loveand love expression. I like it. and I agree with you.. i had to look up the word genitive too lol and incase any one else might not know what it means...

genitive - 1 : of, relating to, or constituting a grammatical case marking typically a relationship of possessor or source -- compare POSSESSIVE
2 : expressing a relationship that in some inflected languages is often marked by a genitive case -- used especially of English prepositional phrases introduced by of
- genitive noun

for short.. another word for possesive lmfao

Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

14 posted 2006-09-11 01:40 AM

Thank you kindly for your remarks you really make me smile, i think music is love in a form?

cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

15 posted 2006-09-13 04:38 PM

I guess some people found it stale because music has been compared to love repeatedly.

The poem sounded like a love song, so I found the imagery appealing and the words, though I also felt like I was listening to a very contemporary love song.

But what really drew me in I would guess is more the sounds the words made when said out loud then the meaning itself.

So I liked it.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

16 posted 2006-09-14 12:21 PM

I thank you for taking the time to read and comment, the one wonderful thing is that love never seeks for anything but love it's self?

if it is going to be it is up to me i choose my destiny

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