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Critical Analysis #2
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The Squeeze (at high noon)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Squeeze (at high noon) |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Heat, pulsing through every pore of skin, opened to the rising climate. Panting with the panic of inertia, feel those creepy-crawls erupt and dig in, a nasty sensation. Slick, touching through the film I excrete narrows understanding of potentia. It's boiling meat, as a lobster screams. The marrow is melting, lanced to weep, pour s in, with hope that I'll get to like it. |
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| © Copyright 2006 kif kif - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
H: I like the passion shown in this. I think you have yes dare I say it "too many words. I for some reason read it missing some words ie not needed? Heat, pulsing through every pore skin, opened climate rising . Panting the panic of inertia, those creepy-crawls erupt dig in, sensation; nasty Slick, touching through film I excrete narrows understanding of potentia. boiling meat, a lobster screams. The melting marrow lanced to weep, pours with hope I'll get to like it. I dislike the last line. the word get is just to simpel or is it too short. Good work rick |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks Rick. I'm having trouble understanding why you think I have too many words-is it the rhythm that you don't like? The way you've done it vandalises the grammar. I know that's 'allowed', but in this case, I'm floundering to find the flow without it. I know what you mean about the last line-there was too many 'ings' already, so 'hoping' got scrapped. I used the 'get to like it' to suggest aquiring a taste for it, but as with all my stuff, the ending is clunky and blunt. I'll think more about what you say. Thanks again. |
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