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Critical Analysis #2
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The Kiss...third version
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Kiss...third version |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Yeah I know its a little redundant but..... And thanks to all who have helped me rework this poem. I really appreciate all the constructive input you have given me. Especially all the line break help. Beneath the pines and what gracious sunlight crowning heights allow, on leaves, needles and nervous sides. I stole a kiss, from what her father would not permit. To keep and answer future whys. I remember love. Be and I'll be smitten 'til a day after death, when I find reason to discard moments best filed as, better than I've had since, or what I'd like my days to be. I will remember, hands kept warm in hands, more fitting than a glove and never lose that which was worth stealing. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
Beneath the pines and what gracious sunlight [non sequitur here] crowning heights allow, on leaves, needles and nervous sides. I stole a kiss, from what her father [this doesn't really make sense--you can't steal a kiss from an action] would not permit. To keep and answer future whys. [not a sentence] I remember love. Be and I'll be smitten 'til a day after death, when I find reason to discard moments best filed as, better than I've had since, or what I'd like my days to be. [again, from a sense standpoint, as well as a grammatical one, the reader is left in the dark] I will remember, hands kept warm in hands, more fitting than a glove and never lose that which was worth stealing. [as a summation, this leaves me cold...you need some kind of kicker here, to make the poem effective] Yours in peace, |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
There were parts where the poetic phrasing caused the concrete images to become a little slippery, but I liked the overall sound and style. Great imagery. I enjoyed this one a lot. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Hi Trevor, I really like what you've done here, quite a change from the first draft. Line breaks really made a difference both in flow and clarity. I noticed that Dean pointed out the fact that you can't kiss an action and so another suggestion. *sigh* Would you consider dropping the lines "from what her father would not permit" and go with I stole a kiss to keep and answer future whys. I remember love. That would also take care of another one of Dean's issues-- an incomplete sentence. I have no problem with the ending, I think it ties in well with that stolen kiss. Overall, it's a great revision. caterina |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, R. Dean, Thanks for your input, you pointed out a few rough areas that was overlooked. I hope you will do me the service of looking at a fourth version if I post one. Kirk, Thanks for your comments, I agree with the imagry thing. Caterina, Well I guess its back to the drawing board on this one  I like your suggestion for combining the two ideas, but then it takes away from the original idea about two innocent kids sneaking into the woods and having their first kiss. Thanks again for all your help on this poem.Trevor |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
Interesting piece Trevor, I didn't read the first two, but this one is interesting. |
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