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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Before I Go |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
I will not say, “I have no fear.” for unknown shores lurk quizzically behind the morning mist, but I do know as Auden did, rare beasts are there, and such an odyssey of light to make of sleep a badinage, regret, a feather in the air. My friends, beloved, those I wronged with little words, or perfidy, I still have time to grieve of that. If I could bathe your feet and sponge away the soil I strew across your paths, my peace would be complete. But yet I see it still. The undone tasks I set aside still wait as my memorial, that irony my own self-gift, its shameful cross, now yours. This night will have its dawn quite soon and I can say, “Adieu,” for these leave-takings too, are meant for God. We part. But you will know that I am always here to watch and smile and celebrate the little joys. To walk with you across the ridge, to sojourn in your dreams, and finally to greet you on another morn, I know, for love can never die. [This message has been edited by R. Dean (07-30-2002 04:46 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 R. Dean Ludden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi R. Dean, "I will not say, “I have no fear.” for unknown shores lurk quizzically behind the morning mist, but I do know as Auden did, rare beasts are there, and such an odyssey of light to make of sleep a badinage, regret, a feather in the air." Not 100 percent sure on grammatics so if I'm wrong, well then I'm wrong  . The fifth line doesn't seem to need a comma. I don't know if you were just going for a pause but I think that the line does not need one, seems like one thought. I really liked the last two lines and your choice of words throughout the stanza, really effective in setting the mood of the poem almost immediately."My friends, beloved, those I wronged with little words, or perfidy, I still have time to grieve of that. If I could bathe your feet and sponge away the soil I strew across your paths, my peace would be complete. Alas I see it still." Another great stanza. Couple of suggestions though, consider changing "paths" to "path", seemed a tad clunky stress wise. Also I didn't think "Alas" fit the poem, seemed a little too archiac even for a poem with this style. Also I didn't quite get that last line, still see what? Peace, path, her feet? Consider dropping that whole last line because you kinda clarify it with the opening of the next stanza. Nonetheless another really good stanza with yet again, great word choice. "The undone tasks I set aside still wait as my memorial, that irony my own self-gift, its shameful cross, now yours." ", that irony/my own self-gift," I understand, or at least I think I do, what you are trying to say here but it seems to either missing a conjunction or a comma otherwise it reads a little clunky. Consider dropping "that irony" perhaps and let the reader draw that conclusion themselves. "This night will have its dawn quite soon, and I can say, “Adieu,” for these leavetakings too, are meant for God. We part. But you will know that I am always here to watch and smile and celebrate the little joys. To walk with you across the ridge, to sojourn in your dreams, and finally to greet you on another morn, I know, for love can never die." I don't think the first comma is needed on the second line. Also I think "leavetakings" is spelled with a hypheon. "We part." seems to be an incomplete sentence. Part what? Hair, bread, apples  ? But I do really like the way you bring about a conclusion to this enjoyable poem except for the last line. It seemed too cliched in comparison to the rest of the poem. I like the idea behind it but perhaps there might be a better way to say it.All in all I really enjoyed your poem. I thought you brought a lot of originality to an otherwise familiar theme while using a style and format that shoe'd it nicely. Thanks for the poem, Trevor |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
I liked your crit very much, Trevor, and you can see that I have applied some of your suggestions. The "it" refers to the soil, (the wrongs)...and "We part" is indeed, a complete sentence with subject and verb, and is not used in the transitive sense here, so I'll leave those alone. However, I think you did a very careful job with this crit, and I appreciate your going into detail. I found it very helpful. This ain't the greatest poem I've ever fathered. :-) Yours in peace, Dean [This message has been edited by R. Dean (07-30-2002 04:57 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi R., No problem with the critique, like I mentioned it was an enjoyable read and as much a benefit for me as I hoped it was for you. Thanks for clarifying the "it" thing. As far as the "We part.", I see what you mean. But after reading it again, perhaps, and of course just a suggestion, omit "We part.", it might be superfluous a bit because it does not hinder nor help the flow and after your clarification it seems that it says nothing that the reader can't surmise on their own. I should have been more specific on my questioning "We part.", instead of joking around but after my first read it left me wondering if that statement was directed towards God because of "leave-takings". And if you don't consider this to be one of your better poems than I look forward to reading more of your work. Thanks, Trevor |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Instead of R.Dean, I am just going to go with Dean, if that's alright with you. Ok, Dean, this is absolutely beautiful. I have read this quite a few times now and I like. I do have a couple areas that give me some trouble. The first stanza is fine all except for "lurk quizzically," a person might do such a thing, but a shore? Could be just me though and please correct me if I am wrong in that assumption. Since you have a morning mist there, it might be a consideration to go with something that obscures the view-- stretch blindly, reach -- just to give you an idea where my train of thought is leading. Also, I played around with this a little concerning line lengths. I find that stanzas 2,3 and 4 could be longer, when I read it as it is now, the shortness of the lines seem to interrupt the flow making it kind of spastic, know what I mean? Longer lines will help the reader to absorb those beautiful words all the more. I think Trevor pretty well covered any other areas. So, I will leave you with that and hope it was helpful. You will probably get quite a few thoughts on this one. Thankyou, this was lovely. caterina |
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R. Dean Junior Member
since 2002-07-26
Posts 37Illinois--USA |
Thanks, Cat.....I'm going to think about those. I'm sure the lines could be re-aligned. Yours in peace, |
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