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Critical Analysis #2
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My enemy
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My enemy |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513
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You hate me Because I’m me Because I’m not what you want me to be You hate me Because I disagree Because I cannot see what you want me to see You hate me Because I know The way you are ,why you’re So Because I resist the tide That endlessly is flowing by I want my life to be mine I don’t want to flow with your tide That endlessly is flowing by You hate me Because I’m right Because I want to be in the light I hate you Because you see Only one side of me Because you are exactly what I don’t want to be My enemy [This message has been edited by pen&paper (06-16-2006 08:03 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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The Shadow in Blue Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493EL, Michigan |
Nice write up. I liked the flow and simplicity of it. The only thing I don't really get is this line, "That endlessly is fowing by" Otherwise It was pretty darn good. ^_^ Jill |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
hI: Hate is a stong word. do you hate this person or do hate yourself of wanting to be with this person. It seems a poem but you did write it. Why did you write? and why would I would I want to read it again. Rick |
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Frank W. Torres Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 133 |
Powerful write. |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
I actually wrote this about someone who used to be my best friend. She claims she's popular now because she ditched me. The truth is she's a slut. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
hi: IF that is the case then show me that in your poetry. Rick |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Reads more like a Dear John (or Dear Jane as the case may be). Where is the poetic content? Sure it's strong but what value is that? You could have just as well written "Go to hell" and saved a lot of time. You have to do a lot of work on this one. Remember, poetry should show, not tell. |
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calxaed Junior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 21North Lincolnshire, UK |
I do like the flow and the rhythm of this, but I have to agree with the above. I think you need to take a step back from your feelings and try to devise a way of expressing them that's a bit less immediate and personal. Poem are after all a construction, and there are many poetic devices that can be used to express a feeling; images, tropes etc. Also the feelings expressed in this seem, although sincere, seem to be a little hypocritical and one sided. You hate me Because I disagree Because I cannot see what you want me to see does not seem to go very well with: You hate me Because I’m right |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hello pen&paper. I like the rhythm of this, but you're using too many abstractions (hate), too many dead metaphors and similies (the tide flowing), and there's not much imagary to get our imaginations around. Repetition only works for me when it's there to 'punch', but all I got from this was 'oh, can't be bothered thinking something else'. Plus, forced rhyme highlights all the other problems. I can see that the subject alone was the vehicle to produce this, which is fine, but that can hold you back if you're not looking objectively. My advice would be to re-write, and show the feelings you tell...imagine someone didn't understand the concept of hate, or the frustration the protagonist feels. Describe it. |
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loveislove Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 59USA |
it kinda reminds me of my poem (I'm only me) i like the content..and the flow...the line "that endlessly is flowing.." was kind of shaky but other than that i really like the feeling that u clearly put into it The more people that I can make EXTREMELY uncomfortable, the better |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I'd love to see you take this in a different direction- if the woman is a slut then tell me about it. Don't be all nicey nicey by starting stanzas with the same idea. Show me what you think and make it personal. Otherwise I think that you just got served in some fashion, not this this chick is worthless. CS An artist's job is not to commentate the truth. |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
very one sided opinion, when all is well fine yet if not? a angry write i think and perhaps see things from both stand points of view. |
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