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Critical Analysis #2
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Poor Vision
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Poor Vision |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I recieved a lot of mixed review on the last post. Fire away at this one. CS Poor Vision It wasn’t a foggy day but her stare cut the distance with razor-sharp precision in efforts to bring my attention to hers in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand and needless, notice. I swore I felt something as I glanced to catch the final punctuation of her gaze and the cessation of her attention caused more uneasiness than did the focus. I turned and smiled at curious eyes with questions just below the surface and I could almost hear the conversation between receptors that relate without the benefit of words. And we sat. With all of the answers that were to become such I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return and wondered how many times the eyes were beckoning without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness. An artist's job is not to commentate the truth. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Your premise and somewhat alliterative cadence, for the most part work in this piece. My first suggestion is to eliminate all filler word—those which add nothing to a line, such as… S1: L2, ‘the’ L10, ‘and’ L11, ‘the’ S2: L3, ‘and’ S3: L1, ‘of’ What you need to do then is to combine that lonely line before the last stanza with its first line, but first eliminate the opening, ‘And’, then simplify the next line, so that it’s not quite so clunky, such as with: ‘…that were to be.’<--period. Lines 6 & 7 have an ungainly feel to them as well. Simplify your point there, by eliminating, ‘…so much as a…’ in L6. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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