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kjmdrumz3
New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 6
Maryland

0 posted 2006-06-06 04:12 AM


First timer here. I wrote this in about an hour a few days ago after a break-up. My main goal was to show the different feelings and emotions throughout the work. I may write about one thing and go back to it lines later. I did not reorder anything. I just wrote it as it came. It is very raw. I definately need help with linebreaks and such. I just copy/pasted it, so the structure stinks now.       Tell me what you think. Thanks. I can already see some words that can be omitted to make it stronger, what else can be done, or should I scrap it and start over?

Reflection

How can you love one person so long, then let them go and watch them
fall.
How can you lose your feelings after so many years, and expect them not
to be full of anger, hate, and tears.
I didn't know that one girl could ever do this to me, guess I'll have to
face the day and let the sad things be.
I guess I'll get over you one long day at a time, and hate the fact that
I'll never see you and you'll never again be mine.
They say its not the end of the world, but whose world do they live in,
They tell me that there are others but can I ever love again?
It's the things I never did for you that did this thing to me, Maybe one
day I'll wake up and finally be able to see.
All my "friends" seemed to dissapear on me during this awful fight, I
think I'm all alone now, I'm by myself tonight.
How can we have so much love that we tear ourselves apart, I'm still
waiting on the other girl to make a brand new start.
I'm scared of what the future holds when you're not here for me, What
will I do, what will I say, And who will I ever be?
You know I'll always love you. That's one thing that will never change,
You know I'd take you back tonight if you asked me to today.
I've smoked my last cigarette and headed off to bed, I have visions of
you with another imprisoning my head.
I've given my heart to you, I don't know what else to say, God I wish I
did things differently maybe then you would stay.
What I did to you and never did was were it went wrong, I can't ever go
through this again, I'm just not that strong.
I turned into a monster, a monster that I hate I had to wake, It killed
me when I saw the hurt in your eyes when I tried to try too late.
I don't ever want to see you again, yet I want you here so much. I just
want to feel your breath again, and I miss your beautiful touch.
I sometimes think of ending it and wish that I were dead, but I saw what
it did to his family when he put that gun to his head.
I just want you to be happy, that's what I tell myself. But my happiness
is with you and I just can't take this hell.
These are all the emotions that I go through when I think of being alone.
The poison in my body, the drugs and alcohol have shown.
I hate myself for hating myself and pushing you away, Could I ever change
enough of this to make you want to stay?
All the sleepless nights I had, when this was on it's way, make me wonder
what differently could I have done, and should I have prayed?
So I sit here writing this, alone and scared tonight, wondering what it
was I could've done to make the wrong things right.
Wednesday is our anniversary, 7 years and 7 months. I hate to think I'll
love again, let myself love again this much.
Maybe you just need some time, we might end up together after all. But
just how much more can this hurt me, and how far can one man fall?



Reflection II


I’m looking at a picture of us, but my reflection is all I see. Can we ever love again enough for you to stand by me?
They say it makes you better to express emotions through a pen, It didn’t work the first time so I write to try again.
I realize now a little love was all you really needed, but it was way too late when I was on my knees when I begged to you and I pleaded.
All I know is you and you are all that was ever me. You have no idea how hard it is to hang it up, to watch you leave.
There’s a lesson to be learned in this with every kiss and every fight, but it’s awful hard to see it when I’m all alone again tonight.
I went through a lot of things and you always faced them with me. What got me through the bad times was your loves sincerity.
I wanted so much from you but I gave to you the least, I hope these words reach will you, my love for you released.
It’s not that I didn’t love you I just didn’t know how to show. One last hug is all I need, maybe then I could let us go.
Lots of people go through this, but little have lost so much. You were always there for me, your love my only crutch.
I want to hear your voice again, always waiting on your call. I want to hear you’re doing OK, going shopping at the mall.
You helped me through the worst of times, and I hurt you through the rest. There’s not a word on this paper that helps me get this off my chest.
I hate to let you go, with your smile my heart is stained.
Does loves sometimes feel this bad, or have I just lost my way?
I’ve quit a lot of things, one of which will never be you. I say you don’t care about me, but only you know what I’m going through.


[This message has been edited by kjmdrumz3 (06-06-2006 05:24 AM).]

© Copyright 2006 kjmdrumz3 - All Rights Reserved
Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park
1 posted 2006-06-06 11:50 AM


Hi:

Your right is reads is if you just wrote all this with your heart. I would sugest that you go over it and take out lots of words or play with the puncuation, to see if you can creat some long sentences the wonder though the emotion as well as the out come.

EX: average word count per line 30

How can you love so long, then let go to watch them fall full of anger, hate, and tears. To face the day and let the sad things be. On those long days there are times I know that one could guess it’s not the end of the world, one could guess I'll get over your the fact that I'll never see you never again,posses your heart again-what is it they say, whos world do they live in telling me that there are others to know and love again?

work with is and have some fun doing it

Rick

kjmdrumz3
New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 6
Maryland
2 posted 2006-06-06 12:58 PM


Here's 2 revisions. Personally I like the second one best.

1.
How can you love one person so long, let them go, watch them    
fall, anger, hate, and tears. Could one person do this to me, I have to  
let the sad things be. I'll get over you one long day at a time, hate the fact that  
I'll never see you, never be mine. Whose world do they live in, who are they to tell me
there are others, could I possibly love again?  

Things I never did for you did this to me, I'll wake up and finally be able to see
my "friends" disappear on me during this fight, by myself tonight.
Can we love so much, tear ourselves apart, is there another girl to make a brand new start.
I'm scared of the future, you're not here for me, What will I do, what will I say, who will I be?
I'll always love you, one thing will never change, I'd take you back tonight, ask today.

I've smoked my last cigarette, headed  to slumber, visions of    
you, another imprisoning my head. Given you my heart, what else is there, I wish
it were done differently, would you stay with me? What I did to you, never did, was wrong, can't ever go through this again, I'm not that strong.

I turned into a monster I hate had to awake, killed me with
the hurt in your eyes, tried to try too late.
Don't ever want to see you, I want you here. I
want to feel your breath, your beautiful touch.
I think of ending it, wish that I were dead, I saw
his family, with that gun to his head.

I want you to be happy I tell myself. My happiness  
is with you I can't take this hell. These are my emotions, I think of being alone.
Poison in my body the drugs and alcohol, have pushed you away. I hate myself for
hating myself, could I ever change enough to make you stay?
The sleepless nights I had, this was on it's way, should I have prayed?

Writing this alone, scared tonight, could I make wrong things right.
Wednesday our anniversary, 7 years, 7 months, to think of  
love again, myself, love again this much.
Maybe need some time, maybe together after all.
How much can this hurt me, how far can one man fall?

2.
Can you love one person so long
let them go and watch them fall.
Can you lose your feelings after so many years
expect them not to be full of anger, hate, and tears.

I didn't know one person
could ever do this much to me
I'll have to face the day
to let the sad things be.

I'll get over you
one long day at a time.
hate the fact that I'll never see you
you'll never again be mine.

They say its not the end of the world
whose world do they live in  
they tell me that there are others
can I ever love again?

Things I never did for you
did this thing to me
one day I'll wake up
able to finally see.

My friends dissapeared on me
during this awful fight
I  think I'm all alone now
by myself this lonely night.

How can we have so much love
we tear ourselves apart
waiting on the other girl
to make a brand new start.

Scared of what the future holds
you're not here for me,
what will I do, will I say
who will I ever be?

You know I'll always love you.
one thing that will never change,  
you know I'd take you back tonight
if you asked me to today.

I've smoked my last cigarette
headed off to bed
visions of you with another
imprisoning my head.

I've given my heart to you
I don't know what else to say
God I wish I did things differently
maybe then you would stay.

What I did to you and never did
was were it went wrong
I can't ever go through this again
I'm just not that strong.

I turned into a monster
a monster that I hate I had to wake
it killed me when I saw hurt in your eyes
I tried to try too late.

I never want to see you again
I want you here so much
I want to feel your breath again
I miss your beautiful touch.

I sometimes think of ending it
wishing that I were dead
but I saw what it did to his family
when he put that gun to his head.

I just want you to be happy
is what I tell myself
my happiness is with you
I just can't take this hell.

All the emotions that I go through
when I think of being alone.
the poison in my body
drugs and alcohol have shown.

I hate myself for hating myself
pushing you away
could I ever change enough of this
could I make you want to stay?

All the sleepless nights I had
this was on it's way
I wonder what we could have done
and should I have prayed?

I sit here writing this
alone and scared tonight
wondering what it was I could've done
to make the wrong things right.

Wednesday our anniversary
7 years and 7 months
I hate to think I'll love again
let myself love again this much.

Maybe you just need some time
we might end up together after all    
just how much more can this hurt me
how far can one man fall?

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
3 posted 2006-06-07 11:15 AM


You really need to hack this one into at least a dozen pieces--literally. As it stands now, it's simply a tedious read and far too long, for all the cliche's and redundancies it contains.
What really keeps this from being poetry though and rising from the angst ridden, prosaic lamentation that it actually is, is the total lack of imagery.

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria
My poetry forum.

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (06-07-2006 12:08 PM).]

Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park
4 posted 2006-06-07 06:14 PM


Hi:

Rus is alittle harsh, but honest. and he is also right.  start over and make some things up, compaire them to something, like animals or trees.  

keep at it

Rick

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