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Critical Analysis #2
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triggerfingerxx
New Member
since 2006-02-02
Posts 8


0 posted 2006-02-04 09:23 PM



heres an untitled poem... i just want ur opinions.

_____________
your touch in death makes you beautiful
your pantomime emiting dusk shrouds my charcoal rope
you set me free.
now give me wings.
you see the lust melting away from my tainted skin
the luminesent pool and the withered corpse
serenity is here.
now dive in while i carry you to heaven.

seculsion in in depiction
obsured in haze, we wake up.
we should have known better.
_______

....for all of you who are wondering. im 14 years old.

© Copyright 2006 triggerfingerxx - All Rights Reserved
playing.with.crayons
Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362
Neverland
1 posted 2006-02-04 11:45 PM




"you set me free.
now give me wings"

These two lines seem to me they'd be more effective if you separated them as a single stanza. There are a few spelling errors-  "emitting, luminescent, seclusion and obscured" were all spelt wrong. But it had some very strong lines and I think it could be an excellent poem with some minor touching up. welcome to pip! xx

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navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #2 » love poem (untitled

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