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Critical Analysis #2

Sleep

ChemicalRepose
Member

since 2004-03-28

Posts 102

0 posted 2005-11-28 08:42 PM

I just want to be in solitary,
alone, and free,
inside of me.

Laying down,
my eyes close,
as I hear a sound.
High pitched
and as frivolous
as this life is.

My thoughts conflict.
The pendulum is swinging,
so mesmerizing.
Slowly fading,
fading from this reality.
My mind is blank,
and I feel empty.

ChemicalRepose
Member

since 2004-03-28

Posts 102

1 posted 2005-11-29 09:19 AM

Hello, I am interested in any constructive criticism that any of you can give me.

Jasternal
New Member

since 2006-01-22

Posts 8

2 posted 2006-01-23 07:39 AM

this is my suggestion for the 2nd stanza:

Laying down,
my eyes closed
I heard a sound.
High pitched
and frivolous
as what life is.

overall it's a good poem.

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

3 posted 2006-02-01 03:55 AM

I am confused as to what you meant when you wrote "in solitary". Some of the images are good but perhaps extending a little more with that rather than just writing "I feel empty" would be better.
just my opinion of course. xxx

farewell the ash-tray girl

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