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Critical Analysis #2
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Loath Actually
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Loath Actually |
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ricdob New Member
since 2005-11-17
Posts 3 |
Loath Actually. I battle rap and I roll dice but the taste of you… don’t taste so nice so sell me out for one last high and sell your soul and learn to drive just…don’t hesitate to hit the breaks as the wall meets with your pretty face and locks your lips , a crimson kiss a letter etched in ball point bliss I sold my guns to buy you knifes To cut your friends cause it seemed right And with the change I bought my mind Back from the pawn shop you can’t hide Cause I got maps to every place you’ve ever been Exempt for space inside your head Which I don’t mind Cause nothings there That I can’t find. |
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| © Copyright 2005 ricdob - All Rights Reserved | |||
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
would look nicer if you used the plural 'knives' instead. |
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ricdob New Member
since 2005-11-17
Posts 3 |
Yeah thanks my grammer/spellings awful lol... |
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selfishfish New Member
since 2005-11-20
Posts 2 |
the bad grammar turned me off. i think that if you are going to post in a critical forum and if you're going to expect people to take the time to seriously evaluate your work then you should put equal effort into posting preparation. in a forum such as this, it's is a matter of respect between writer and reader. if a person doesn't even care enough to proofread then why should another care to even comment? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
But, it's not at all "Loath[some], Actually." The whole poem is very close to being written in consistent, Iambic Tetrameter. There are a few serious bumps here and there which keep it from being completely tight, but an imperfect meter represents only a minor distraction in the writing presented here. Notwithstanding the improper plural form in S2-L1, there is actually some very compelling imagery in the overall piece. I particularly like the last stanza which is why I would like to suggest that you spend more time in clarifying and tightening this part especially. My suggestions would include: S2-L3: a comma after “change” L4: Uncap “back”; Period after "shop," then cap “You” and period after “hide”. L5: This is an unnecessarily long line. Shorten it to keep the basic meter you began with. This would mean cutting out about two words. Simply state it as something like, “ Got maps to every place you’ve been." It will lose nothing written thusly. L6: I assume that the first word was supposed to be “except”; if not, it should be. L7: Even though this line scans shorter than the others, I’d leave it alone, but the next two lines should be one--and again, drop the caps. Considering this is your first offering to this forum, you should be commended. It's not nearly as bad as many other first attempts. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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ricdob New Member
since 2005-11-17
Posts 3 |
First off, I'm sorry you feel that way selfishfish, I did proof read the piece and I didn’t see anything wrong with it, upon people pointing it out to me I see were I went wrong, but if no one informed my I'd have never spotted the faults no matter how much i read over it, and believe me I read it a lot to make sure it sounded ok to me. I have no wish to disrespect anyone, it's just my grammar and spelling isn't at a very good standard. And as far as I'm concerned I can only submit what I'm capable of in content, spelling and so forth no more and no less. I mainly concentrate on what I'm trying to say and I'm thankful for any grammatical corrections I receive as well as any comments on the content its self. CynicsRus: thanks for the sweet feedback. lol It really helps a lot. That’s exactly what I wanted to get when I joined up here. Thank you for taking time to read the poem and help me out. I really appreciate it  I’ve made the corrections you’ve suggest and I see were your coming from. |
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