At Last (previously untitled; revised)

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Critical Analysis #2

At Last (previously untitled; revised)

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2005-10-19 09:23 PM

Spinning, spinning,
going around,
one day my true love will come back to town.

Crawling, crawling
there is no doubt,
my time is running out.

Walking, walking,
fast not slow
I don't know where to go.

Running, running,
I am so naive,
your plane is just about to leave.

Falling, falling
sinking sand,
here he is just grab his hand.

Driving, driving
almost out of gas,
"I love you Ryan"
I am telling you at last.

LOVE NEEDS TO DIE

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2005-11-06 10:36 AM

The very short lines and forced rhymes make it sound immature. Don't have time now but will try to get back later with better explanation.

gelato
Member

since 2005-10-27

Posts 63
TN,USA

2 posted 2005-11-06 10:40 AM

I agree. Try to extend each stanza with more in-depth feeling.

"Buckle Up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car"

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

3 posted 2005-11-06 07:28 PM

thanks for the input

LOVE NEEDS TO DIE

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