Critical Analysis #2 |
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Lost Minds |
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buckysimone Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27 |
Lost inside my head I blame it on you My past reverberates through my mind Through the broken pathways I’ve created For myself Little problems Little dreams Little hearts The bruises carry through my shoulders On these shoulders I I, carry the weight of the world Clenching my fists Onto my head Voices throughout my heart Hurtful eyes Hurtful minds Hurtful hands Cry at night Wishing Hoping Praying It will go away I blame it on you On all your hate Your glory Your childish lips Heart And laughs Your laughs Lost inside my head You molest me with your words Words I so So passionately want to dissipate I close my eyes Hoping tomorrow will be better I remember your names I remember your hate Hate towards a boy A boy who so patiently waited to leave Leave a world where he was ridiculed I blame it on you Blame the way I am today Blame the hate I feel towards YOU people Blame the people who watched Watched me fall apart Lost inside my head A canvas paints the pain One more glass One more Puff One more cry One more time I cry for the boy A boy who patiently waited For answers from no one who could understand Understand why I’m lost inside my head |
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© Copyright 2005 buckysimone - All Rights Reserved | |||
Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Free verse is a right bugger to critique. Only change I would recommend would be this: 'Onto my head' to 'On top of my head'. When I hit that line, I kept reading 'on top of' over 'onto', hence the recommendation. Otherwise, this would be well suited for Dark, and welcome to Passions. ![]() |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
OK, it bears repeating, so I'll say it again: It's really annoying to read short lines--unless such a method adds to the impact of a given line. In this particular piece It does not. Considering this piece is rife with chiche's and hackneyed imagery, I would be inclined to agree with Alicat, considering this is what one usually finds on such forums. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (08-10-2005 09:07 PM).] |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Actually, I was referring to the mood, tenor and theme, not the format. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
And I was being sarcastic--but on that point alone. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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buckysimone Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27 |
I write like that because I read my poems outloud at local places, and the way i read it is similar to the way i write, I can't help it.. sorry! |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Consider that your audience is listening to a grocery list. Free verse needs creativity even if you're going to list it like milk and eggs. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
This poem surely means a lot to you and you identify with its emotions, but that doesn't mean that the reader does. You have relatively little imagery, and seem to fall into self-serving sentimentality. You must realize that the reader needs more than a rant with line breaks to be interested, I'm afraid. It is important to write for yourself, but know the difference between your own feelings and actual empathy in the reader. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Good points, EA. |
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