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Critical Analysis #2
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buckysimone
Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27


0 posted 2005-08-10 12:49 PM



Lost inside my head
I blame it on you
My past reverberates through my mind
Through the broken pathways I’ve created
For myself
Little problems
Little dreams
Little hearts
The bruises carry through my shoulders
On these shoulders
I
I, carry the weight of the world
Clenching my fists
Onto my head
Voices throughout my heart
Hurtful eyes
Hurtful minds
Hurtful hands
Cry at night
Wishing
Hoping
Praying
It will go away
I blame it on you
On all your hate
Your glory
Your childish lips
Heart
And laughs
Your laughs
Lost inside my head
You molest me with your words
Words I so
So passionately want to dissipate
I close my eyes
Hoping tomorrow will be better
I remember your names
I remember your hate
Hate towards a boy
A boy who so patiently waited to leave
Leave a world where he was ridiculed
I blame it on you
Blame the way I am today
Blame the hate I feel towards YOU people
Blame the people who watched
Watched me fall apart
Lost inside my head
A canvas paints the pain
One more glass
One more Puff
One more cry
One more time
I cry for the boy
A boy who patiently waited
For answers from no one who could understand
Understand why
I’m lost inside my head



© Copyright 2005 buckysimone - All Rights Reserved
Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
1 posted 2005-08-10 12:54 PM


Free verse is a right bugger to critique.  Only change I would recommend would be this:

'Onto my head' to 'On top of my head'.  When I hit that line, I kept reading 'on top of' over 'onto', hence the recommendation.

Otherwise, this would be well suited for Dark, and welcome to Passions.

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
2 posted 2005-08-10 08:01 PM


OK, it bears
repeating, so
I'll say
it again:
It's really annoying
to
read short
lines--unless
such a method
adds to the
impact of
a given line.
In this
particular piece
It does
not. Considering this
piece is rife with
chiche's and hackneyed
imagery, I would
be inclined to agree
with Alicat, considering
this is what
one usually finds
on such
forums.

Sid

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria
My poetry forum.

[This message has been edited by cynicsRus (08-10-2005 09:07 PM).]

Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
3 posted 2005-08-10 08:14 PM


Actually, I was referring to the mood, tenor and theme, not the format.
cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
4 posted 2005-08-10 09:04 PM


And I was being sarcastic--but on that point alone.

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria
My poetry forum.

buckysimone
Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 27

5 posted 2005-08-11 04:17 PM


I write like that because I read my poems outloud at local places, and the way i read it is similar to the way i write, I can't help it.. sorry!
Always Lisa
Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133

6 posted 2005-08-13 08:07 PM


Consider
that your audience
is
listening to
a grocery list.

Free verse needs creativity even if you're going to list it like milk and eggs.

eminor_angel
Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323
Canada
7 posted 2005-09-15 08:09 PM


This poem surely means a lot to you and you identify with its emotions, but that doesn't mean that the reader does. You have relatively little imagery, and seem to fall into self-serving sentimentality. You must realize that the reader needs more than a rant with line breaks to be interested, I'm afraid. It is important to write for yourself, but know the difference between your own feelings and actual empathy in the reader.
Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
8 posted 2005-09-17 01:28 AM


Good points, EA.


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