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isolated poet
New Member

since 2005-06-24

Posts 3

0 posted 2005-06-24 04:29 PM

Comet

Past moon,
through my closed eyes
was strewn,
visions
of an old ally
past bloom.

Lips curved,
that id forgot.
Fate curbed.
She spoke again,
and reached out to,
locked out friends.

Through my sleeping sight,
she laughed and talked once more,
her thoughts on a kite,
through my eyelid binds,
she spoke to all old friends again,
weeds gone from her mind.

I saw,
in a dream last night,
my friend returned,
things were all right.
She freed,
those who reel care,
from the cold chains,
of her alienated stare.
She walked,
with us in the sky,
leaving bitter glass walls,
the vultures and the hatred halls,
let me back, and please just try.

Last night I dreamed,
that haileys comet,
came streaking by.

any comments?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

1 posted 2005-06-25 02:41 PM

Interesting; I like the craft in giving a past friend's sight a comet's likeness.
I thought you may use further words though to bring out this likeness more and closelier.  Perhaps something toward her brightness and the light that follows; where she comes from;  where she goes; what it means that you saw her again, et cetera.

There are a few points about the structure:

*  Your sentence-structure and grammar are a bit weak, and this I think is mostly because the lines and sentences are short and broken.  It may better your poem to work the lines more continously into each other without so many breaks, pauses, and periods.

*  The rhyme in this poem doesn't work very well.  It may stand much better without it.

*  Your punctuation and word-setting may be bettered a bit.

Perhaps something like this:

[In brackets are some things I thought may be clarified more]


Past moon
through my closed eyes
was strewn ;
visions
of an old ally
past bloom.

Lips curved,
that id I forgot.
Fate curbed.
She spoke again,    [spoke what and how?]
and reached out to
locked out friends. [what does "locked out" mean?]

Through my sleeping sight,
she laughed and talked once more,
her thoughts on a kite, [do you mean like a kite?]
through my eyelids' binds,
she spoke to all old friends again,
weeds gone from her mind.

I saw in a dream last night,
my friend returned ;
things were all right.
She freed those who reel care,
from the cold chains
of her alienated stare.
She walked with us in the sky,
leaving bitter glass walls,
the vultures and the hatred's halls ;
let me back, and please just try.

[I think there are too many metaphors and abstraction without giving the reader any solid ground and knowledge for referring to them in those abstract terms.  How is may the reader know what the cold chains, bitter glass walls, vultures and hatred halls should suggest? ]

Last night I dreamed,
that Halley's comet,
came streaking by.

I hope that helps.
Thanks for sharing your work.

[This message has been edited by Essorant (06-25-2005 03:14 PM).]

brilliantlover
New Member

since 2005-06-25

Posts 5
Maryland

2 posted 2005-06-25 11:32 PM

It's too long. What can be saved here? What can go? If you want a longer poem, I'd reccommend a stronger narrative. I liked the first two stanzas, relating strongly. My attention dropped off in the the third. The grammar is very distracting however. You've got a nice sounding piece of work, but it needs to be sharpened.

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