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Compared to the fly
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Compared to the fly |
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RedStoneEB Senior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 772uk 
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My lady, you stay against my skin, Just like the lonely fly without a home- searching for something to feast upon fluttering away at the slightest shimmer of my person. Upon the calmness returning to my person, You sense your way back to a different part of me- this time I watch knowing your presence till the feeling is too much to bare you flutter again. Am I waiting for the right moment to grasp you? Are you the hunter turned into the hunted? Or will you slip through my fingers once more- and flutter away this time not returning to any place upon my person, gone. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Lee Hepworth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seeker New Member
since 2005-06-23
Posts 3 |
"My lady you stay against my skin...fluttering away..." You use the word "stay" and then the phrase "fluttering away". Perhaps you should change "stay" to a verb that isn't contradictory to "fluttering away". "lonely fly without a home" is an odd description being as that no fly has a home. "shimmer of my person"? Not sure about the use of the word "shimmer". Ending both the last line in the first stanza and the first line in the second stanza with "my person" reads awkwardly. There is a lack of punctuation that becomes distracting in the last two lines of the second stanza. You use "too much to bare" but I believe you mean "too much to bear". Now for my favorite part. I really like this last stanza, with one exception. "Are you the hunted turned into the hunter?" The question seems out of place and is also a little cliche. I would consider omitting it. Overall it was enjoyable to read. This is my first review of a poem at this site, so let me know if I am being too picky, or if you appreciate my POV. I'm not sure what the norm around here is. |
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