three in a small boat (crit freely,,, it's not a holy cow)

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netsky
Member

since 2005-03-29

Posts 148
Miami

0 posted 2005-04-10 06:41 PM

-all I know is this much from my long-gone dad-





My old man
and his old man
went fishing with
the old man of
The Old Man
and the Sea

Now the only one attesting
is myself.
The ocean's resting



.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2005-04-10 07:06 PM

My old man
and his old man
went fishing with
the old man of
The Old Man
and the Sea

Now the only one attesting
is myself.
The ocean's resting
....
I'd like it better if 'with'
dropped down to next line
or drop 'the old man of' line entirely
leaving it to

My old man
and his old man
went fishing with
The Old Man
and the Sea.
The only one attesting
is myself.
The ocean's resting.

netsky
Member

since 2005-03-29

Posts 148
Miami

2 posted 2005-04-10 10:01 PM

thanks.. you have a good point about the line break, there.

ah, but i can't see dropping the "old man" part, not any of -that-

heck, I called my dad "my old man" at times.
my dad, when 6 years old, as he was nearly, then, called his dad "Pappy".  Indeed, that's the only name he ever called this ancestor I never got to meet, the doc who keeled over sixty years ago: Pappy.

And the other man?  He is known even today as "Poppa"

And of course you see now that the final "old man" is the title of a Hemingway short story.

-this is all I know of that time. My g-dad and Hemingway were doctor/patient, and had a personal affinity for each other that took them and one son on a fishing expedition here in Miami's Biscayne Bay, ca. early 1930's

-its a skeleton but I did it because to make more is to fictionalize-

thanks very much.

Any other thoughts from you nice people?  I like all kinds of commentary- be tough-- .   If it annoys you, let me know.  If it leaves you empty as may a haiku (which it is not), let me know, please.

Although it is not in the least bit abstract this guy wonders if  -the very queerness- of its form and statement- makes you readers/critics wonder: what???? Huh???

is that it?

[This message has been edited by netsky (04-10-2005 11:23 PM).]

longte
Member

since 2005-04-06

Posts 199
Australia

3 posted 2005-04-10 11:10 PM

Hi
I love it
But then again I'm a rabid fisherman
so caught the inference instantly
Not qualified to do critical analysis

Have FUN
Keep writing

Live It

netsky
Member

since 2005-03-29

Posts 148
Miami

4 posted 2005-04-10 11:21 PM

'so caught the inference instantly'

that's just what I hoped to hear: that readers would get the Hemingway hook without me sinking the poemlet by a bunch of junk words.

=that= is critical commentary you gave, longte.. to tell me that you got it.  Or tell me how you'd alter it,as Midnightsun kindly did

only by being bold can we help the other poet know what's connecting and what simply mystifies.  So you keep that up, both of you, please.

it's not a pretty poem but I bet any reader can remember the main stanza for years at one reading.  It is sort of.. what?  epigramatic?    I don't know terms.  would like to learn more from the old hands here on poe mechanics and terms in general.

cheers,
reid

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