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Critical Analysis #2
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Roberta Little
Junior Member
since 2001-12-18
Posts 42
beloit wi usa

0 posted 2005-04-01 07:32 PM



Untitled
By: Me


I don't know what to write.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
I just feel hollow, empty, alone inside.
It seems as if I really have no feelings.
I don't know if I'm tired
or down or up
or turning round in circles.

I am not thinking just writing.
Not dreaming just living.
Not hoping or wishing just doing.
Doing things as a robot would --
not really thinking about it,
just doing it.
Going  through the motions
but not the emotions.

Not realizing how time
truely does fly as the world
wizzes by arond me.
Then it stops and lays at my feet --
as a good, faithful dog would
to it's master.

Then suddenly it springs up
and I grow dizzy watching it.
My head brginsto spin.
My body begins to spin.
It flies through the air
like a crumpled paper bag
someone just threw to try
to make a basket.

My body slowly falls to the ground.
it lays therecrumpled,
distorted,
alone.

GOD's greatist gift is LOVE

© Copyright 2005 roberta little - All Rights Reserved
netsky
Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148
Miami
1 posted 2005-04-01 07:44 PM


Hi Roberta,

you posted into "critical" so I feel OK to critique your poem a bit.  OK?  Brace yourself!  (grin)

-the poem sucked the energy right out of me.  Now I feel weak, wan, listless and wonder....

....what compels a poet to spread enui? Just to hear yourself... exhale used-up air?

Now, mind you, I am not putting you down.. but only the -core reason- for this poem. It's almost anti-everything, this poem.

see my point?  it is a vampire of life force, this poem.

untitled?  Call it.. think of a clever title and you'll have a better poem.  "I am bored and take you down for the count".  Something like this?

Grins, but only because you know see what I mean: a poem should alter or improve or muse or entertain. The only alteration I got from your poem was a flatline pulse, nearly.. said pointedly so that you know what I mean: make life, not impotence from your good words.

thanks,
reid

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2005-04-01 11:55 PM


Been smokin' some bad stuff?


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