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In Death
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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In Death |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
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In Death When waiting for the break of day, Foollish deeds will rise away. My time of rhyme. A dying need... Play on words to give me speed. A wonder...murk as bleak as this... Light will dim. A final kiss. The would, and should, and days are long. Leave behind that tired song. If death could be so readily taught, Breath my last with little wrought. If words console the passing soul, Easly come then leave them whole... I'll leave them with a lasting line... Dying truly is divine. Always Lisa copyright Jan 30, 2005 |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Lisa, I caught the fact that you maintain a pattern of almost perfect Tetrameter, alternating between Iambic and Trochaic, with a simple AABB rhyme scheme and a final rhyming couplet--reminiscent of a Sonnet, with its fourteen line structure. Although this is not a Sonnet in the truest sense. I've known you long enough to know you would be well aware of this. I have a feeling that this was a simple experiment for you. And, for me, it was a compelling read. The rhymes are simple, yet feel unforced. I enjoyed it. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think Sid was right on. Similar but not quite a sonnet but, of course, you knew that. It does appear to be an experiment and was probably enjoyable to write. It was enjoyable to read too. The tetrameter as well as the rhyme scheme makes for a lighter treatment of a potentially more somber subject. I guess that depends on interpretation though. Now, since this is Critical Analysis, I saw a couple of typos. Foolish in L2 and easily in L12 are misspelled. Then in L10, did you mean breathe instead of breath? If not, I wonder if it should be followed by a comma to help the reader interpret. Some may complain about a couple of extra syllables but they read fine to me. Anyway, I think they are acceptable according to Poe's rules of versification. I have more of a problem with tired in L8. By those same rules, it is a stretch to read tired as two syllables. You can get by with it but the feel will be better if you substitute something more clearly two syllables. Thanks for an enjoyable read. Pete |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Your sentences have a broken and scattered feeling. Perhaps some of the breaks and pauses may be taken out and the sentences worked into longer lengths for a more connected and flowful shape. Many poets let the sentence continue thro until the end of the stanza, or even into the next stanza. The sentences read jaggedly and unstable in expression sometimes. The poetic structure and expression overall is there. I just thought the grammatical structure needs to be a bit bettered in the midst of those. Otherwise it is well written. |
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