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Critical Analysis #2

what he forgot

sorrowfulangel
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 59
Memphis,TN

0 posted 2004-11-11 12:17 PM

when he left
it was quiet,almost cat-like
kin to the way dawn sneaks up on
the inky blanket of night
for all the things he kept,
there are so many I think he forgot

he left me with his boots,
and his buttoned shirts, and the gel for his hair
but he seemed to forget to take his smile,
and the endless hours we spent talking,
and the sound of my name,only he said it like that

he left me with his contacts,
his pillow,and even a few c.d.'s
but he forgot the nights on the front porch swing,
the way his skin always seemed to smell,
and all the journeys spent in my car

he left a fishing pool,
and a broken zippo,
but he overlooked his name,
overlooked his laughter
he left his old phone number,
and the empty house where he once lived,
but he overlooked me.

"god is the biggest under-achiever I know,something good happens god is great,something bad happens,he now works in mysterious ways"

b.costen
Member

since 2003-11-02

Posts 107
ontario, CAN

1 posted 2004-11-20 08:23 PM

The first stanza captured my attention

So I read on...

You show great brain-dexterity with lines like "but he seemed to forget to take his smile"

and "it was quiet,almost cat-like" really makes you feel the stillness of the quiet

and i thoroughly enjoyed "the way his skin always seemed to smell"

you seem to be able to show us how much you missed him, i really got a sense of longing from the words you punched out on paper here and managed to smash together such as the last line of the 2nd last stanza "and all the journeys spent in my car"

i didn't mind you keeping the conclusion simple, you could have made it discreet with a crazy metaphor; the last stanza ties things up very satisfyingly

whatever you do...
keep writing please

ps. i like the way you write too (responding to a reply you made to one of mine)

Ben

so what's it going to be then, eh?

jaxjoy
Member

since 1999-12-14

Posts 112
Texas

2 posted 2004-12-01 12:49 PM

"and the sound of my name,only he said it like that"

I can relate to that exactly and understand that it's never the same again.

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