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Critical Analysis #2
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come back, as the wind comes back
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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come back, as the wind comes back |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
COME BACK, AS THE WIND COMES BACK you’ve seen the zebras on television just as i’ve seen them grazing in the grass ethiopian, golden grass with a wisp of wind behind their ears, tufted nuzzling their limbs into the warmer parts of each other their stripes colliding easily and the metallic blue sky always flying up farther away from everything! its fun to pretend you’re a lion at this point you might have been stalking your prey through the underbrush and your ribs were already showing followed this pack four days now— you’re hungry. thinking like a lion, it’d be easier to make a move for one of the kids they don’t run as fast, and the mother won’t put up a fight also, younger zebras are tender but all that seems a little malicious from your living room couch you go get a coke from the fridge the thing with zebras is their limbs go so loose after their necks are broken and their dusty white black coats, stained with slaughter, are left inside out, open to the carcass dwellers of the sub-saharan desert sun and wind dried if you were a dead zebra, you might get dragged around for days with your loose limbs trailing out behind four lines in the earth then after your usefulness the sand would sweep to the wind wiping your stain off its face its then you realize the earth is just cleaning itself off— there is no pleasure in the lick |
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| © Copyright 2004 ben costen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the best lines here are: 'and their dusty white black coats, stained with slaughter,' and 'there is no pleasure in the lick' I think they are clever and concise. However, a lot of this kind of drags on- I can kind of see where this might be showing the pathway of thought of an idle mind, but it seems drawn out. Oh, and I'm not sure I really get the exclamation point at the end of line 10. Hope I've helped. |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
thanks hush, your critique was good so what's it going to be then, eh? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I really liked Hush's observation, "thoughts of an idle mind." I too wonder why the exclamation mark. In fact, I question the whole line as illogical. The beginning seemed slow. I suppose that is consistent with the "idle mind" but I wonder if it might be strengthened somewhat with the goal of better pulling in a disinterested reader. I found that I could easily identify with the lion's viewpoint but less so the dead zebra's. At about that time, I got the impression of rambling a bit too much. Maybe that's not an all bad thing, probably depending on your intent. The turn at the end, however, did bring it to a logical conclusion. Giving the Earth's viewpoint was a welcome surprise. On a final note, my first overall impression was, like Hush, a little too drawn out. But, on reading again, I'm not sure where to trim. Oh, I thought the line "their stripes colliding easily" was excellent. Not only was it a vivid image but unusually presented. Thanks Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, Mr. Costen, I'm getting that funny feeling in the back of my head. It seems you deserve watching. No time tonight. I'll try tomorrow. |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
Please do, sir. ...Please. so what's it going to be then, eh? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
first step, you get metonymy, not metaphor. Not yet, anyway. Um, keep writing, you've got the write idea. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I've been reading some of your later stuff and just a couple of suggestions: 1. Go longer, try to put in as much detail as you can stomach. Also, the key to any good poem, good writing, is ultimate the verb, not the adjective. Concentrate on that. 2. Start writing in sentences, it creates a much fuller sound to the poem. Yes, many will disagree with me, but give it a shot and see what you think.  |
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