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Critical Analysis #2

tunnel of bode

mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

0 posted 2004-08-19 08:04 PM

Walk me through the tunnel of bode.
Where they chime for the new
and send dust to the old.
From glimmer we come,
that part from the Sun.
Till we wail at the end,
till the breathing is done.
When clouds drift black
and time that's masked.
Now pain for moments,
they brought from their past.
So fear it well,
or you'll cry in Hell.
With a life of deceit,
you'll then know my spell.

If nothing is something
then everything is
our thoughts and feelings
and all that exists.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

1 posted 2004-08-20 01:22 AM

Unless, "bode" has some archaic meaning that I'm unable to discern, it just doesn't work here, since it's a transitive verb which you are trying to use as an adjective. This particular assonantal rhyme begs for a better word, unlike most of the remainder of the poem. The usage here detracts from the overall piece--which I actually enjoyed insofar as your rhythm is concerned--as well as the mostly unforced assonance. I have a feeling you realize the meter is off slightly here and there, yet--for a simple attempt--I still think it flows well enough to keep a reader's interest.

A bigger distraction, I feel, is the over-use of unnecessary words throughout:
L2, "the"
L3, "the"
L5, "the"
L6, "the"
L7, "the";
L11, "they"
L13, "you'll"
L14, "a"
L15, "then"
Eliminating these would have no effect on your intended meaning and it might even streamline the meter somewhat.

Also;
in L7, change "till" to when and "breathing" would sound better as breath, (IMO)
In L10, "pain" should be pains., since "time" is the subject here, and singular.

Sid
If you must carp: Carpe diem!

Visit my poetry forum.
Read my poetry.

mysticpoe
Senior Member

since 2003-02-28

Posts 883

2 posted 2004-08-20 12:17 PM

Thank you CynicsRus, sid. I appreciate all the time you spent with my write here. I'll see what I can do with the suggestions that you made. I'll be back with a re-write.
Thanks a ton, again.

wayne

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