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Critical Analysis #2
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Two Poems (Please Comment)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Two Poems (Please Comment) |
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Cinderelly Member
since 2001-12-31
Posts 189NM, USA |
I posted both of these in the Teen Forum and got no response and I'd really love a critque or comment, so I thought I try posting them here. Both poems are about the same time frame and boy. -------------------------------- ASK ME TO STAY, ZANE. Beyond the blank stare of a boy too drunk to understand (my heart lays in waiting, vulnerable) is the question I listen for. Ask me to stay 2 a.m. searching the night looking for my answer, knowing full well it lies in your heart Ask me to stay From this point on everything changes as persistent as I am, you tire me out I am no obligation. Ask me to stay. ------------------------------ CATALYST Graduation has come and went emotions spent One day tainted (melancholy) not with the expected relief. Parties that night lack glitter lingering with questions, routine "What if . . . ?" Come time to celebrate, too lost in the cliché of goodbye to drink to the night, so here’s to you and all your lies. As I watch you sitting on the patio lost in the drunken release of freedom, I begin to miss what I never had. *I actucally shortened this one b/c it didn't seem right . . .* Anyways, I'd loved to hear some comments, suggestions, anything! -Jamie |
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| © Copyright 2004 Jamie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
something - better to post one poem per topic "came and went" two poems for one drunk guy ? - he isn't worth it. Read a lot of good poetry, keep writing, don't expect every poem you write to be good. Just because it is an intense experience for you, doesn't mean it will be seen that way by the reader. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hi, I am not good with critiques, but I will give it a go... at least for the second one: I think the first problem I noticed with the write is that the tense is inconsistent... 'has come' and 'went' doesn't ring right... should be "has come and gone" or "came and went"... another example 'Parties that night lack glitter' should probably have been "Parties that night lacked glitter" well, that is one clear flaw that should always be looked at ... I notice that your writing style is broken, maybe because you wish to put too many emotions together... If that is what you tried to achieve, then it is not necessarily an improper thing to do... as it creates a different impression on a reader... much because some emotions do not appear in any pre-arranged order... so there is no real rule for that... but it doesn't work in all cases... Maybe there are unnecesary words or there are cases where certain lines are just too long and hence a mouthful, but that is an individual opinion... hope all this helps... and hope to see you writing a lot... regards sudhir |
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