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Critical Analysis #2
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time to say good bye
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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time to say good bye |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
I know the time is finally here, To say goodbye something I fear. A feeling so strong, A need so wrong. It comes from deep within my heart, Brings only sorrow & pain, it's time to part. My drug of choice, love from you, An addiction like the drugs and alcohal you do. You give me a taste then close the door, Depriving me I only crave more. I realize I'll never get what I want or need, My lifes falling apart, like you I feel the greed. It's driving me insane, placing on me your pain. I feel enough pain of my own, The hate you call love that I am shown. Each day I say this is the last,I won't take it no more, Yet I continue to find myself here hoping to score. Why did I allow one to do me this way, I use to be strong, no way I would stay. This emotional roller coaster only goes one way, So it's good bye I must say. Time to pick myself up off the floor, With gods help to close that door. Open my eyes so I can see, How this strong need came to be. Let god into my heart, Believe again in myself so self love can start. Good bye to you and the past, Time for real happiness free at last. [This message has been edited by MGROVES (02-02-2004 08:26 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 marsha groves~adragonsdream~ - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
You tell it like it is. Poem speaks for itself! Grover. |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
Very Nice - I liked it alot cap God (unless you a taoist he he) - cheers ! [This message has been edited by wintertao (02-02-2004 08:37 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I see mostly the same problems here as in the other one. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
you are strong! No critique of the actual poem, (I don't critique well) but I do have a hug for you  |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
I have a hunch that you guys are going to learn not to like me. Personally, I take critiques very seriously, and I take the resposibility of a critic very seriously. I say that because I don't want you to think I'm attacking you. I like the poem and I think it has great potential, but it lacks rhythm. I'm fairly new on here, and I don't know if re-writing someone's piece to try and help them is taboo or not. If it is let me know and I won't do it again, but I really feel like I can help you out. I'm not trying to take credit for your work, not take it away from you. These are suggested changes, and you can do with them what you will. I know the time is finally here, To say goodbye--and that I fear. A feeling so strong, A need so wrong. It comes from deep within my heart, The source of pain, it's time to part. My drug of choice, a love from you, Like the drugs or alcohol you do. You give me a taste then close the door, Driving me mad, I only crave more. Knowing I can't get what I want or I need, I"m falling apart, I feel the greed. Placing on me all of your pain, I'm losing my mind, I'm going insane. I have enough pain I feel of my own, The hate you call love what I am shown. Each day I crave closure, I will take it no more, Yet I continue to find myself here hoping to score. Why did I allow one to do me this way, I use to be strong, no way I would stay. This emotional tumult only goes one way, So to you it's good bye I must say. Time to pick up myself off of the floor, I'm begging you, God, help me close that door. I open my eyes so that I can see, How this strong need for you took over me. I opened myself up, let God in my heart, Believed in myself so self love can start. So good bye to you, you are now the past, Time for real happiness--I am free at last. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Forne - I really hope that no one who comes to this forum will 'learn not to like' you if you are providing respectful, indepth critiques - even negative ones. All we ask is that you critique the poem, not the poet and that there are no personal attacks. Indepth critiquing? Be my guest, please. Just my thoughts, however, on rewriting. I think it can often be very valuable for a poet to know why you've suggested a change to a particular part of a poem. So, while rewriting can be useful - perhaps you could elaborate on your changes sometimes. Let us know why you think your change is a good idea.  K |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
Thank you Severn. The main reason for this edit was just to smooth out the rhythm. I'm obsessive on rhythm. I think it's the heartbeat of the poem. But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one! |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
>I have a hunch that you guys are going to learn not to like me. Hey, I like you well enough. I saw your pic. Grins* Always Lisa |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
>Personally, I take critiques very seriously, and I take the resposibility of a critic very >seriously. I say that because I don't want you to think I'm attacking you. I like the poem >and I think it has great potential, but it lacks rhythm. I'm fairly new on here, and I don't >know if re-writing someone's piece to try and help them is taboo or not. If it is let me know >and I won't do it again, but I really feel like I can help you out. I think that sometimes the author of a work is so out of step that a rewrite should be in order, however, one reason that I don't like them is that I think the author should be made to do the work plus, I'm too lazy to do someone else's work. (In my view) they should be shown the troubled spots and how to(s) but for to rewrite a complete work for them (for the most part), it's their baby. Not saying why you made changes does not truly benefit the author of the poem. Making changes to another's work may not always help because then they have someone else cleaning up their mess. The best teacher is trial and error. Explanation of those errors might be a better avenue for it to sink into the author's mind. Next, metre and or rhyme... It's not learned by someone fixing it for another. It's something that improves by training one's own mind's eye and by being shown error(s). Regards, Always Lisa [This message has been edited by Always Lisa (04-20-2004 07:31 AM).] |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
thank you all for your suggestions, it was a letter i had to write to say goodbye to my drug of choice. i just wrote how i felt, my emotions, i shouldnt of put on this forum. but i thank you for your critiques. |
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