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Critical Analysis #2

Perseverance

Halcyon
Junior Member

since 2003-04-10

Posts 43
Arizona, USA

0 posted 2004-05-20 06:45 PM

Perseverence dons the burden of life,
So blistering is it to bear;
To reprieve depressions of yesterday's strife-
It cries, "For tomorrow we prepare!"

Whence undeterred by the disgruntled need
When humanity only offers less,
It stands tall for every man to heed:
Only with effort comes success.

-=-=-=-
One more experiment with ABAB rhyme. I think the meter's better in this one, but might be able to have some tweaking

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2004-06-16 12:11 PM

Ordinarily I would have disputed the incredibly overdone rhyming of "strife" to "life", but in this case it is appropriate and actually fits quite well. The flow was very good on this until the line "When humanity only offers less,". I would suggest dropping the "only". Aside from that it is an inspiring poem that reminds me of many I have read in my book of Poems Loved by the American People. Good job, keep it up.

Halcyon
Junior Member

since 2003-04-10

Posts 43
Arizona, USA

2 posted 2004-06-16 01:58 AM

Yeah, dropping 'only' does seem to work, although now there is a feeling (or is it just me?) of a missing syllable. Maybe adding 'So' to the beginning of the third line of the stanza would fix it? It also felt somewhat shaky on the sentence structure and word choice, especially around the that area; I wrote it minutes prior to posting the poem. As for the theme, I have been trying to stray from my usual 'universally felt' style of love poems (that I have been writing for the past year or two) and going to that of humanity and nature. Thanks.

Perseverence dons the burden of life,
So blistering is it to bear;
To reprieve depressions of yesterday's strife
It cries, "For tomorrow we prepare!"

Whence undeterred by the disgruntled need
When humanity offers less,
So it stands tall for every man to heed:
Only with effort comes success.

[This message has been edited by Halcyon (06-16-2004 04:26 AM).]

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