Phateon (PG-13 for strong language)

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forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

0 posted 2004-04-23 08:08 PM

PHAETON

I was once Prometheus.
I once gave my fire to the world,
But I angered the gods of this world
And now I am weary.
I have grown cold.

Sometimes I can still feel it.
Sometimes the flames in me flicker
And for one brief instant I catch
A shadow of my former glory,
   But it never lasts,
   And I am tired of hurling my verses
   At an uncaring world.

I want to rage again.
I want to start a fire so G--D----- Big
   That the gods will notice me again.
I want to burn so hot, shine so bright,
That I cannot be ignored.

DO YOU HEAR?!
ARE YOU LISTENING?!

Smite me,
  If you can.
I grow weary
Of this mediocrity.

----------------------------
Ps. The title is a link that will show you the myth of Phaeton and who he is.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

rainydaymusic
Junior Member

since 2004-01-14

Posts 26

1 posted 2004-04-23 11:58 PM

what is that censored word? God Damned? I think it would be better to just come out and say it - unless of course, you did that for religious reasons.

I'm not a fan of boldface.. I think the words are strong enough on their own; they don't have to be stylized.

I liked the tone of the poem very much

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

2 posted 2004-04-24 09:34 AM

Well, if you read the philosophy section of this website, it says that they strongly disapprove of profanity--this is supposed to be a family friendly website.

I rarely use profanity in my pieces. I think by and large it cheapens them. However, I really think the profanity in this one is significant. It helps to portray the strength of conviction of the speaker. I wanted to keep it in there, but wanted to respect the tone of the website in general as well... That was the reason.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

grassy ninja
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 41
Kentucky

3 posted 2004-04-25 11:35 AM

i liked this. what it really reminded me of was the part in paradise lost where are the fallen angels talk about what to do now that god has sent them to hell, and one of them proposes a scenario sort of like this: cause destruction, even if god gets mad, it can't be worse than hell. i agree about the bold-face. just setting your lines apart from the other draws attention to them. it could just be my bias against elaborate physical alterations in a poem to draw attention to it (i.e. making the poem the shape of a duck, heart, having letters fall down the page when writing of a waterfall)
about the g--- d---, i understand why you censored it, i just don't understand why you used it. i'm not saying this out of any religious feelings, but i feel that it does take away from the poem. this is why: it's an anachronism. we have gods with an s and God capitalized with no s. would this narrator say g--- d---?
overall, i really liked it though.

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

4 posted 2004-04-26 04:33 PM

I liked it.
It was different from the other things you've been posting. It's just a guess but I venture to say that it is maybe an older peice by you. I say that just because I know you've been on this jazz kick. It seemed a little more rambling and angist riden than some of your other stuff. And me personally I see where you are coming from, I think the G.D. helps to add to the frustration and anger that the speaker is feeling, but then again I've got now real stronge feeling towards the use of profanity in a poem. To me if it fits, it fits.
However, I will say that I would not have edited it, that does kind of soften (cheapen) the effect of the words and in essence negates the use of them. in other word either say God Damn or don't, but don't half-ass it

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