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ChemicalRepose
Member

since 2004-03-28

Posts 102

0 posted 2004-04-14 02:01 AM

Come consume me.
Levitate my wish and focus on my desires,
to feel hopeful and weave in the fire.
To swallow whole the creature of the sleeping,
weeping like infidelity
the breathing calm
of insanity.

I wish there were another phantom to fathom this horrific desire.
The snakes venom casts your aspire.

Another wants to know
how to dream and to feel,
why to live and to heal,
what to tell and to steal,
who to kill and to conceal,
when to leave and to bear.

I'm broken now.
Alone in this hopeless
but allowed to feel whole
unbearable, lifeless.
To bear this again is to give in to nothing that you can't understand,
so just give in and take this away.
Your will is not enough for this vampire standing in the way.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

1 posted 2004-04-14 08:45 PM

Good write. (hopeless what?)

ChemicalRepose
Member

since 2004-03-28

Posts 102

2 posted 2004-04-15 12:43 PM

I'm broken now.
Alone in this hopeless void,
Sorry for the typo, and thank you for the pleasant responce.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2004-04-15 09:37 AM

Glad you fixed that. It was my main objection.

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

4 posted 2004-04-15 10:55 PM

Okay, good write, but let me suggest a few things.

In line 2, since "desires" is plural, you may want to go with "wishes" insted of just "wish". The parallel structure would make the line stronger.

Line 3 would also be made stronger if you changed it to "to feel hope and weave the fire".

In line 9 you need to change "snakes" to "snake's". Also, I hate to be one to question poetic liscence, but "aspire" is a verb and you're using it as a noun. As it is the line doesn't make any sense. Poetry is lyrical use of the language. When you break basic rules of grammar just to make a rhyme it's really bad form. I'd look for some way to change that line.

The next section in the poem is my favorite part. It has a really great beat and rhyme scheme, but most of the lines need one more syllable to really smooth out the meter.

Try this:

"Another wants to know
   ,             ,                   ,            ,
how | to | dream | and | how | to | feel
   ,             ,               ,            ,
why | to | live | and | how | to | heal,
   ,             ,               ,             ,
what | to | tell | and |what | to | steal,
   ,             ,            ,                ,
who | to | kill | and | to | con- | ceal,
   ,               ,               ,             ,
when | to | leave | and | what | to | bear."

If you put the stresses on the syllables I've noted, I think you'll agree with the changes.

Also, in line 20 says, "To bear this again is to give in to nothing that you can't understand," Okay, put less poetically, the verse reads, "to bear this again is to give in to something you can understand." Double negative. Bad schjoo-schjoo man. What I think you're trying to say is: "To bear this again is to give into the nothingness that you are unable to understand.--or that is beyond your comprehension". If I'm reading it right, then I like it, but you have to do something about the double negative because it's killing the line.

Now that I've completely crawled up your butt, let me see if I can't make it a little better by saying that I really did like the piece. The emotions in it are very raw and very compelling, and it has a great voice. The speaker is easily identifiable and very sympathetic. All in all it's a good piece, it just needs some tune ups.

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