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Critical Analysis #2
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move, thought, place
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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move, thought, place |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
hello all...i am new here to this forum, looking for people to meet and poems to read. here is one of mine that i hope everyone will like. i rarely use rhyme in my poems...but who cares. i write what i like and i thought it just fitted with this one. thanks all, and enjoy. move, thought, place minutes pass, and i still see your face i remember it with every move... every thought... everyplace no words spoken, things to be said my thoughts, my feelings, through these words are bled... yet i cant seem to see what is, and what should be, and i rest, drifting farther and farther into the midnight sea... with seconds passing, i still see your face with every move... every thought... everyplace |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
This one is nice but contains several cliched images/ideas: -i still see your face -a memory haunting every moment -bleeding through words (less so than the other perhaps) -drifting into the dark sea or night I would work on finding more original ways of conveying these same themes. Also I would use punctuation--atleast for contractions such as can't. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I agree with Kirk. You have a very nice, movement, flow to the piece. If you could come up with some really original images and wording for the feelings you are trying to convey, it would be fantastic. Try free-writing...writing down every thought that comes into your head in a period of 3-5 min. or so. Sometimes that can help you come up with some fairly original ideas. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi, Welcome to Passions and to the CA forum. The above advice sounds good to me and I would like to add a little. The line, "through these words are bled..." feels a little forced. The word order is unnatural, making the rhyme seem forced. Also, IMHO you have used way to many elipses. I like to use them but don't overdo it. The result is that they lose any worthwhile effect, much like a cliche. Welcome again. Check your email. Pete |
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Soleil Noir Senior Member
since 2001-12-19
Posts 688USA |
I get the feeling I am watching a chess game. Welcome to Passions. I will enjoy watching as your progress with your writing. |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
This piece struck a cord from my past If I may make a quote; “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!” Dr. Robert Anthony To me it means: All that we are destine to become, hinges, on knowing when a teacher has appear with an answers, to one of our riddles to life. I once found myself walking alone, tracing the steps and a lost relationship. I went through all the emotions and actions, as if that relationship still existed. I even revisited the places we once found together. I guess in the back of my mind, I still had hope. Of what, I have no ideal;….. well maybe I did! Anyway, I like this piece very much, thanks for the lesson Originally Yours, |
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