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Critical Analysis #2
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Obsidian Eggshell
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Obsidian Eggshell |
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renathon Junior Member
since 2002-06-09
Posts 23 |
"Obsidian Eggshell" In the sphere adjacent to ours we were all pale and our windows and mouths were bordered with black. In this sphere I could observe circles, and squares, I couldn't see roses or palm trees. In the adjacent sphere we were geometric shapes and tranquil and colorful and firmly planted. We were Chase and Chance We were Brian and David and Jesus. Our mouths were diamond lined and our pants filled out nicely. In this sphere I could hear screams and shrieks and blood was burned. The improved paragon had terrestrial veins, but wine passed through them instead and blood was consumed to affect our sadness. When the light of morning rapes me all that is pale and symmetrical is observed by me to be, behind thick glass. 6 6 02 (I treat any response as if it were gold) |
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| © Copyright 2002 Nervio Amado - All Rights Reserved | |||
catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Hi,welcome to passions. I never critize or analyze thus I am not usually visiting this forum. But your title caught my eye, VERY cool title. I enjoyed the poem very much. Sandra |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the title too but feel the main body is too repetitive. Lengthen the lines and try for a little more variety in your diction. |
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renathon Junior Member
since 2002-06-09
Posts 23 |
I must say, when I write poetry, I write it the way I would say it. If the poem calls for shortness of breath then the lines will be broken as they are in "Obsidian Eggshell". When you read it please read it with pauses after each line, with a short breath, as if half of it is cigarette smoke. Thank you so far, I'm putting together a gold necklace. [This message has been edited by renathon (06-10-2002 01:14 AM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I don't ahve a problem with the short lines, I think they read well. I do agree that it is a bit repetitive, and if I were you, I would try a different ending. It seems a bit weak- I think you have a neat idea, but the "morning rapes me" bit is a little too melodramatic... I think something a little more subtle might convey the same point better. Hope I've helped. "deeper is life than lose: higher than have |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Very interesting read, maybe drop it into some stanza type formatting. A different ending wouldn't hurt either. Otherwise, very interesting. P. J. Kotrch |
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Casidy Junior Member
since 2002-01-27
Posts 36The Heart of Texas |
I very much enjoyed this. However... the references of the spheres seemed to mix for me, or rather, I wasn't certain which spheres you were referring to after the first until the final reference. Not sure if stanzas were intended, as they were not included, I did not read it as if it had stanzas... therefore, it seems that you switched back and forth between the spheres... and some how the references weren't clear. |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
title: splendid poem: littered among this are some striking lines… play with the format, and watch the recurring lines… instead of adding rhythm or a giving the reader a returning link, it is only what it is: repetitive. Also, you draw the lines out without connection… “we are” “we were” “our this and that”… isn’t enough… I read this in pieces, thinking, “The renderings are nice… but what’s the point?” so, is this a poem, or just a play with words? I think it depends on what you want to make it… |
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Soleil Noir Senior Member
since 2001-12-19
Posts 688USA |
Interesting poem, and some valid responses. I will enjoy watching your progress. |
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The Napkin Writer Member
since 2002-06-28
Posts 70 |
I really can’t comment on structures, and stanzas, and all of that, but is there a lot more to this? It sounds more like the scenes that flashes in a dream. It seem like it would fit better in a short story, than poetry..... Originally Yours, |
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